Can't Keep an Ol' Writer Down

Being a nurse tends to eat up one's free time, but I can't stop creating (it just slows me down a bit). Being a nurse actually was the inspiration for an uber fun sewing project that I finished just a month or two ago.

You see, "back in the day" (early to mid-1900's), nurses wore navy blue wool capes. They're cute as heck and, being a nurse myself, thank-you-very-much, I wanted one. Buuuuut no one makes them anymore; and I had no desire to buy a vintage/antique one. Well then, I happen to be a garment-maker!! So I made one. Mine has a hood though, which is great. I wear it a lot as I've since become a footcare nurse and need something easy to put on and take off, that I can have my tool pack on my shoulder underneath and that'll keep me warm from the car to my client's house. This cape foots the bill most nicely!

Wool fabric is hard to find though at a decent price, so I ended up getting a wool camping blanket. It's light and warm and worked perfectly for this project.

There's other sewing projects I'd love to dive into, but I'm actually not home most of the time anymore as my job has me working out of state (albeit driveable from home; it'd just be one heck of a commute!).

Writing, though, can be done from anywhere!
In either December of 2023 or January of 2024 I decided it was high time to get some books published! After complaining to one of my niece's in-home tutors about my agent-scouting woes, he said, "Why not just self-publish?" Which is something he did.

After noodling on it for a day or two, I decided, "Hell, why not!"
The Tree Mage Story and the Vampire story were the two on the docket. Now, I've read many a self-published book and the biggest problem I find with them is the lack of an editor. You can get beta readers up the wazoo, but if your story isn't as tight as it can be, it'll come across as sloppy. 
So, first and foremost, I went editor-hunting.

Since the one I reached out to for the Vampire story got back with me first, that became the foremost project. I sent her the manuscript and in March, she gave me back about 30 pages of comments and feedback, along with the annotated manuscript. Wowzers! So I had a lot of editing to do.

In the meantime (after researching the heck out of self-publishing) I got cover art commissioned for both books, bought a butt-load of ISBN numbers and put together a website for my "imprint" (Four Turns Press, btw) so that Amazon won't be listed as the publisher. 

I'm annoyed to admit that edits continue <looking at watch> ONE YEAR later!!
Seriously, the editor I hired gave me a lot to think on. At first I thought only some minor rewrites would be needed for the second half of the book. Then I realized that pretty much all of the second half needed to be rewritten. THEN I realized that the front half was going to need some heavy reworking too.
*sigh*
I'm not a terribly fast writer and, unfortunately, I really have to be in the mood to sit down and write. I also need a good chunk of peace and quiet, which can be hard to come by these days. Ah well, it'll be done when it's done! 

Yup, Still Alive

 You'd be surprised how much time pursuing a Bachelor's degree in nursing can take. Paired with holding down a job and dealing with a young one with health issues, it really does just make the pages of the calendar fly by. I was certainly surprised when I wandered over to my poor, neglected blog to find that over two years have passed since my last post. Whew! Well, I'm still alive.

So what have I been up to in these intervening years (apart from the afore mentioned adulting)?

Well reading and writing, actually. With a little crafting thrown in for some spice.

I'm (finally) starting to query agents for the Tree Mage story. It's exciting and scary at the same time. 

I finished the Vampire Story a while back. Originally I thought it'd just be a guilty pleasure piece that I'd eventually post for free on-line. The Hubs thought it was original enough, though to try to get it published, so I'll be trying to query that one once I get a good flow going for the Tree Mage tale.

Very recently I wrote a Dresden Files fanfic, which was a big departure from my usual work. I've written a fanfic before, but the main characters were all original. This one literally just plunks me down in the Dreseden-verse and lets things fly. It was a bit of a therapeutic piece. Again, another one that I felt would never see the light of day, but now I'm thinking to maybe throw it up on FanFiction.net. It was so much fun to write and I hammered out around 33,650 words in a little over a month (which for me is pretty impressive!)

I've also starting picking away at another draft of "The Kai'us Planet" (as always). I'm trying to get out of my rut by "flipping the script" (changing where and when things happen, and who responses to what situations at certain times). It seems to be working, but there's a lot of story to go. 

And of course there's those little cultural details that pop up and side-track me. Earlier this year I spent several days developing the housing and village construction for three of the Kai'us races. Just a few days ago I realized that beings who are pyrokinetic and are surrounded by sand would be pretty epic glass-smiths, so now I'll be incorporating intricate glassware into the story. Also earlier this year I revamped the Kai'us alphabet (again!). I really like it this time and, like the latest number system, it's something I'd actually be able to remember.

Still along the Kai'us vein, I've started making a "census hoop" which is what the village chiefs would use to keep track of who marries who in their village. To keep things specific, I'm making the hoop for the first Grand Chief's village, since I know who would be in that village. I've only gotten the first two rings done however, (encompassing 16 families). There'll be four rings total, covering 48 families and several generations. After that, the hoop becomes more a of "net"; and it's really that stage that I'm more interested in. It's a project that requires a fair amount of time, space and concentration though; so I don't get an opportunity to work on it too often.

My Regency-era outfit is still right where it was when I last wrote about it. I've also started an 1840's mourning gown for my niece. I've gotten the shift and two petticoats done. Still need to finish the corset and then move onto the actual gown. (We'll get there!) 

I've just started to feel well enough in recent months to give martial arts a try again. Have only gone to one class so far and I hurt for days after, but it was so much fun. Can't wait to go back!

Curing (What I Thought was) IBS: Part 3

If you're coming to this post in the middle, go here for Part 1 or here for Part 2. 

The (Final) Solution

My goal for the next few "IBS" attacks was to pay close attention to the sensations in my body during an attack to divine just what was going on and when. This wasn't terribly difficult as I'd been practicing mindfulness and meditation for years, I'd just never applied it in this particular way before. 

I did quickly ascertain that anxiety was indeed a pretty big element, but the techniques I used to deal with it only lessened the symptoms, it didn't dissolve them completely. Apart from simple breathing exercises and assuring myself that I was safe, I also adopted a concept called "embracing the suck". This basically means instead of resisting the present situation, one simple acknowledges that it's pretty darned unpleasant and just accepting it. It doesn't mean rolling over and dying - anything you can do to improve the situation, by all means do it; but do it with an attitude of "it is what it is". It means being okay if you throw up or have to dash off to the bathroom for a possibly painful evacuation of the bowels; just don't fear those potentials. Accept that they may happen and plan accordingly. 

At this juncture I vaguely recalled that I had tried to deal with the anxiety aspect of these attacks in the past as well; obviously it hadn't really worked then either (maybe that's why I had stopped calling it "Travel Anxiety"). There was clearly something else going on here, so what was it?

The answer was tension. My guts were tightening up in knots; and it just so happened that I had stumbled on a way to deal with it just a few years earlier. I felt like a pretty dense idiot that it had never occurred to me to use the technique here!

But let me backtrack a moment as this realization came in two, very different parts. The first was a statement made by my Karate instructor a while back in regards to self-defense techniques. His comment was that the population is split fairly evenly into two groups: one group tenses up when they feel pain and the other relaxes/collapses. Unfortunately there's no way to know who's in what group while they have a hand around your throat, so the first part of any self-defense technique that inflicts pain on your attacker is to first protect anything on yourself that's delicate (like your throat).

The second half of my "aha moment" was a simple relaxation technique that I'd been playing with for the previous five or so years. When I first started messing with it, I thought I'd stumbled on something new, amazing and different. I later realized that it's something every yoga instructor worth their salt teaches (have I mentioned I can be a bit dense sometimes?)

The "new" technique built off of exercises I'd been doing for close to fifteen years: While sitting or laying in a relaxed position, be mindful of any muscle tension anywhere in the body. It's best to focus on small sections at a time, so it's generally recommended to start either with your toes and work upward or your head and go downwards. It really doesn't matter though; you can start with your belly button if you want to; just find the tension in your body and consciously relax it. Do it again and again because it's very likely that once you've made it through the whole body, something near the beginning has tensed up again. It can feel like an exercise in futility until you've been doing it awhile. And I'd been doing it for quite a long while.

Nursing school opened up another aspect of this time-honored technique for me. There's lots of muscles in the body and thanks to anatomy and physiology class, I was learning them all. I could now imagine all the different muscle groups with all their varied layers. I'd start with the big, outer muscles and work my way "inward" to the deeper muscles. There were also different levels of tension to be found. So after going through and relaxing the "gross" tension, I'd go through and relax finer and finer levels of tension. (Who knew so much "hidden" tension could hide in one's feet?)

Now here's the thing (also thanks to nursing school), there's three types of muscles in the body: there's skeletal muscles - these are the ones we use to move about and create facial expressions. We have conscious control over skeletal muscles (for the most part); and these are the ones we typically focus on when doing these types of relaxation techniques. But there's two other types: smooth muscle - which lines the digestive system, lungs and some blood vessels; and cardiac muscles (that surprise, surprise make up your heart and do their own thing). Though these two other types of muscles are not subject to our conscious whim, they do response to our emotional state, and so with some clever mind games you actually can consciously control them to a certain degree. And this is the technique I had stumbled upon.

In fact I'd already been using this technique to stop menstrual cramps for a while already. It's pretty easy really: menstrual cramps are typically caused by the uterus tightening up as it expels all that nice, bloody lining it no longer needs. You can just as easily "tell" it to not tighten up so hard. Just imagine the sensation of a tightened fist and then relaxing that fist. You can apply that sensation to a grumpy uterus too. Works like a charm, but you have to be awake to do it (so night-time cramps unfortunately need a Tylenol to be gone away with, sadly). Also, the cramps can come back pretty quickly as soon as you lose focus, so some persistent crampies need near-constant attention; but it is doable.

Now lets go back to those two types of people: the "tensers" and the "relaxers". Image if you will two people who just ate a big meal. One leans back in their chair, unbuttons their pants and with a big sigh says, "Aaah, I ate too much!" The other person clutches their belly, arching forward and moans, "Oooh, I ate too much!" I'm sure you can imagine who's the tenser and who's the relaxer. The tenser likely feels nauseous because he's tensing up; there's nowhere for the food to go. Our relaxer might have some heartburn from an over-stuffed tummy, but otherwise he just feels really full. Tension inhibits the digestive process. Makes sense.

It was not difficult at all to marry these two concepts together and I have no idea why it didn't occur to me sooner (did I mention I can be a bit daft at times?) I now had a pretty solid hypothesis that tension was the source of my woes and that conscious relaxation was the solution. On my next IBS attack I was mindful of any tension in my gut and I consciously relaxed it while making sure my anxiety didn't get out of hand, and you know what? It worked like a charm. I could literally relax away my "IBS" symptoms. Stop it right in its tracks. That was it?

Apparently it was. After only a handful of attacks handled in this way, it really no longer became a problem. No matter what I ate at whatever time, I could deftly stop it before it started. Oddly enough I did end up having a "symptom-less IBS attack" a few months back. I don't remember the exact situation, but I do remember the sensations. IBS (or whatever the heck was plaguing me) has a unique sensation in the body, even sans the tension. I can't even explain it; it's just "IBS-y". So I felt "IBS-y" with a tender belly, but with the anxiety and tension removed, it never escalated. I remember clearly the thrill of being able to go to bed that night and lay down comfortably with the light off. No shakes, no ragged breathing. No chills, sweats or drooling. It was incredible! I was free.

Here's the thing though: Because I've been meditating for nearly half my life, I have no idea if this technique is one of those things where once you understand the concept, you're good to go; or if it's like learning to swim or ride a bike where you can "understand" it all you want, but you won't be able to do it until you find your own way. Try it and see.

I think this technique would work for any tension-based ailment, not just digestive issues. I feel there's many medical problems that have tension as a root cause, even if it's not initially obvious (like high blood pressure or inflammation issues that aren't allergy-related, etc); but of course I have no way of proving/testing that as yet.

Resolution
So what changes have I noticed since finding my cure? Well, I'm happy to report that I gained ten pounds in the span of just a few months. Believe me, in my case this is a good thing. I had always considered myself underweight and always had a hard time putting on and keeping pounds no matter what I tried. Now that I can relax my gut and let all those nice nutrients in, I've achieved a weight that's perfect for me. Your results may vary.

Travel has become far less an exercise in strategic planning around meal times, sleeping accommodations and locations of toilets. It truly doesn't matter now. It's a level of freedom I had never before thought possible.

Note that meds never came into play here. Though I'd been to a fair amount of therapy (which I highly recommend by the way), as mentioned at the beginning of all this, I was never diagnosed with anxiety. I'm not in the least advocating to handle anxiety issues (or any other mental health issues) without meds. I had never realized just how debilitating my anxiety was until I started writing up this whole series.  

"It's all in your head"
I used to hate that phrase, and I've heard it a lot in life. It implies, "you're making it up," "it isn't real," "you're just looking for attention". It was so demoralizing because my symptoms were absolutely real and problematic; but because there was no detectable medical cause, it was "obviously fake".

Part of my healing involved "flipping the script": if it's "all in your head" then the power to getting better was completely within my control. No external source was going to fix this. No tests, prescriptions, weird treatments, special diets or rituals. It was all on me. 

Claiming this inner power can be difficult for some, especially if you have a passive temperament (like me in my younger years) and just expect the answer to be in doctors, medicine or some external source. As odd as it sounds, another hurdle can be that some people identify with their illness/condition, it's a part of who they are. If it goes away, they'll lose a piece of themselves and that can be scary. This of course is usually unconscious, and requires a good long, honest look within. It is possible that whatever the problem is is serving some purpose in your life. Certainly there's nothing wrong with that, but know that if the problem is "yours" (not caused by an external problem), the solution is yours too.

And so that's my story. I hope it helps, or at the very least provided some interesting reading.

Speaking of reading, here's a short-ish list of books that have been helpful for me and may be for you also (if you haven't read them already):

"The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself", by Michael Alan Singer (2007)
I'm a late-comer to this book, but it's a wonderful read and very insightful. It does touch on tension and its role in the body.

"The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment", by Eckhart Tolle (1997)
This is a great book, and really lays out the concept of how to "embrace the suck".

"Energy Anatomy: The Science of Personal Power, Spirituality, and Health", by Caroline Myss (1996)
I can't recommend this and her other books and audio offerings enough. Myss presents her information in a no-nonsense way that invites the reader to take a good long, honest look at their own thought patterns and habits.

"Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma", by Peter A. Levine (1997)
This one actually deals with healing trauma, but it does hint at tension being the source of many other problems. It also mentions that trauma can be "trapped" in the body in the form of tension and that releasing that tension may bring up buried, traumatic memories. It's something to keep in mind if consciously releasing tension is new to you. 

"Autobiography of a Yogi", by Paramahansa Yogananda (1946)
Okay, I'm recommending this one more because it's just an awesome book (I've read it through twice); but I was reading the part about him gaining weight right when I started putting weight on, so there's that.

Curing (What I Thought was) IBS: Part 2

If you're coming to this post in the middle, go here for Part 1.

(Failed) Attempt at a Solution

I saw no point in seeking out a medical doctor. I might have mentioned my problems in the past to one doctor or another and just gotten shrugs. Certainly the trip to the ER in my senior year had stuck with me when they found "nothing wrong with me". Since I now believed that this was a food issue, I went to a nutritionist. The person I chose though practiced some form a quackery that relied heavily on herbal supplements that could only be procured through his office (of course); but I was desperate by that point and did whatever he prescribed. His treatment plan (which included numerous capsules taken multiple times of day to bolster my immune, digestive and nervous systems) included giving up all sugar and wheat-based products. Meats, fruits and veggies were fine and (despite the fact that I knew even by then that I was lactose intolerant and told him as much) he insisted that dairy products could stay.

So I cut pasta from my life and switched to spelt flour and sprouted breads. I made other dietary changes and took the prescribed pills that even then I felt were next to useless, but if there was even a chance that they'd make me better, I'd take them. And you know what? It actually helped! Over the course of a year my symptoms improved greatly and I could again eat without getting sick so frequently. Travel still caused problems, but it wasn't as bad, especially if I was mindful of what I ate, and at what time of day.

After a year of faithfully following the plan he had laid out, I slowly distanced myself from the nutritionist's practice, which wasn't easy since I was still very passive and had issues with offending others. The practitioner and his staff were not at all supportive of my leaving, and laid on the guilt pretty heavy when I started buying fewer pills and coming less frequently. "It must be nice being healthy," one secretary said in a snit when I confessed I was feeling better and so didn't need all these pills (lol wut?!). I finally had to cut ties completely in a fit of anger at their snide comments and manipulation (I was young and naïve, be kind). I should note that I have no issue with herbal supplements or vitamins, they have their place and serve their purpose, I just felt in this particular instance they weren't all they were cracked up to be.

Considering myself to be as better as I was going to get, I slowly started reintroducing previously forbidden foods. I'd reached a point where I could eat pretty much anything, to a point. Had to go easy on the dairy products, no matter what, but the richer and creamier it was, the more likely it was to cause problems. I was also bound by the sun when it came to my digestive system: I couldn't eat pretty much anything past 7:30, 8:00 at night (except maybe toast with a little butter) lest I be up late feeling miserable. Dinners and meals while traveling and at friend's houses needed to be handled with care. Strenuous exercise was also problematic (see previous posts about Karate rank tests). But this was my life now and I just accepted it.

It was my late 20's, early 30's that I dropped the "Travel Anxiety" label, somehow forgetting that anxiety had anything to do with my issues, and redubbed my affliction "IBS", as by now I had it firmly in my head that my problem was strictly food-related. Again, no doctor was involved in this decision as there continued to be "nothing wrong with me" medically. And I will admit, by this point I could link each and every instance of illness to something I had eaten earlier in the day as the trigger; but then we can make anything make sense under the right conditions. 

Gradually, as the years wore on, my condition slowly worsened again. Then two things happened that gave me a new outlook on my tummy troubles and clued me in as to how I might be able to fix it. The first thing was about seven-ish years ago when I starting to get dry heaves as part of my attacks. It wasn't with every attack, but it was new, most unpleasant and slowly increasing in frequency with no apparent rhyme or reason. A bulb started to go off: if food was the cause of my problems, then shouldn't I be bringing something up with these dry heaves? Hmmmm.

Event number two was Thanksgiving of 2017 or 2018. I'd gone to my brother and sister-in-law's with my mother for dinner. They had chosen a late dinner time, which I knew was an almost guarantee for disaster, but I ate lightly and hoped for the best. Alas, the inevitable sour stomach started to rear it's ugly head and I parked myself on the floor off to the side in the living room after dinner (there were other people in the chairs and on the couch); and I tried to distract myself by playing with their young son on the floor (my spot was also closer to the bathroom; work smarter, not harder). Despite my best efforts, I was feeling steadily worse and I asked my mother if we could head out.

Mom was having none of it, she was socializing with her daughter-in-law in the kitchen and helping with dishes. I'd have to wait. Which I did, but I wasn't terribly happy about it. I returned to my spot on the floor and attempted to chat with the other guests, but I really wanted to go home! After another half hour or so, I had to give an ultimatum: I'd either go outside and pace in the driveway (fresh air and walking tend to be helpful) or we head out now. My frustrated mother decided it'd be far less embarrassing if we just went home (she could also see by this point that I was not holding it together very well). 

Of course on the drive home she wanted to wax poetic about the meal while I begged her not to. Just the thought of food made me want to hurl. This only raised her ire further; what else was there to talk about after a lovely Thanksgiving dinner? Once we got home, I propped myself up against a stack of pillows on the couch (I lacked the ambition to open the hide-a-bed, plus there'd be no point as I'd be unable to lay down comfortably) and attempted to settle in to endure the next couple hours of suffering I knew I had ahead of me.

Mom just stood over me annoyed, and said the words that turned my life around. "This isn't IBS, this is a panic attack."

Not terribly helpful at the time, but it did strike a cord. Since I'd already started suspecting food wasn't truly the source of my troubles, it got me wondering just what could this be then?

Find out what the final resolution was here.

Curing (What I Thought was) IBS: Part 1

I had to split this up into three pieces just because it ended up being so long. There'll be links to take you to the other parts at the end of this post.

Disclaimer: this post is not meant to diagnose or treat any medical conditions. Though a Registered Nurse, I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose. This post is merely anecdotal with the intent that my personal experiences may resonate with others who experience similar symptoms. Also note that I've never been formally diagnosed with IBS, panic attacks or even anxiety. 

I should also preface here that this post isn't going to portray my parents in a positive light. Know that there were plenty of aspects in mine and my brothers' lives in which our parents were perfectly involved with and supportive of; this was not one of them and I don't in the least hold that against them. My condition (because it had no apparent physical/medical origin) was only a source of annoyance for all involved because it couldn't be "fixed" via "regular" means. It meant that I was left to my own devices to deal with it.

The Problem
So to start: IBS is short for "Irritable Bowel Syndrome". The Mayo Clinic defines it as: "a common disorder that affects the large intestine. Signs and symptoms include cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, and diarrhea or constipation, or both." Its root causes aren't wholly known, making treatment difficult. 

You can read more about panic attacks here if you're interested, but I'm running on the assumption that most people know what they are. Here's also some interesting information from VeryWellMind.com about the connection between the two conditions.

So, if I've never been diagnoses with either IBS or panic attacks, why do I think I have one, the other or both? Well, I can say that I've always had a "nervous stomach" going back for as far as I could remember. I never dealt with new or stressful situations well and that nervousness/anxiety almost always manifested as an upset stomach. I rarely threw up during these episodes, but it was most definitely uncomfortable. I wanted nothing more than to huddle in a quiet place, clutching my stomach. My parents suffered my nervous fits with nary a comment. It was simply an inconvenience when I'd beg to go home from school as a small child for an upset stomach that never amounted to anything; and half the time my requests to go home were denied. These nervous attacks only got worse as I got older.

A couple notable events that particularly stand out from my youth: One time in late elementary school, a spring storm blew in from the west. The approaching leading edge of the storm cloud was pitch black. I've never seen a cloud so thoroughly dark before or since. This instantly threw me into a panic even though I intellectually knew it was "just a thunderstorm". Still, thunderstorms can harbor tornadoes and that threat was a recurring source of worry in my younger years despite my parents always assuring us kids that we had a plan to go to the basement in the event of such an emergency. (A tornado has never touched down anywhere near my parents' house by the way, though I've seen scars from past ones near where friends of the family lived.)

With this fear, I hid up in my room, in bed; trembling, breathing heavy and trying my best to deal with awful nausea as I listened to the storm approach and break overhead. Wind and rain pelted our drafty farm house for hardly more than fifteen minutes; and then it passed with no harm done. The power didn't even go out.

Another time, likely in middle school, I was staying overnight at a friend's house (a friend I'd stayed with many times before and after with no problems) and out of the blue I had a sudden sense that something terrible was going to happen; perhaps the furnace would explode or the house was going to blow up for no good reason. Either way, I couldn't shake this awful sense of dread and laid in bed for well over an hour (maybe two), trembling and fighting back waves of nausea while my heart pounded in my ears. At last I couldn't take it anymore and I asked her parents if they could take me home (her parents seemed to never sleep and they were still awake when I wandered into the kitchen to make my plaintive plea). Just an fyi: the house never did blow up and still stands to this day.  

The worst was when I was a senior in high school, I had taken on a babysitting gig for a couple I hadn't met before, but whom were family of a classmate of mine. I had put out an ad in the local paper hoping to raise extra funds for college. I felt nervous and queasy the whole day of school leading up to my first time babysitting for perfect strangers . I'd met with the parents just a few days prior so they could get to know me before leaving their infant daughter and preschool-aged son in my care. I had seemed dependable enough and I tried my best to put on a brave front when showing up that evening to watch their kids. I was given thoroughly detailed instructions on what to do in various situations and then the parents headed out for a childless evening. I loved kids (still do) and my original plan had been to play with the boy and watch TV with him until bedtime while keeping a loose eye on the baby, who I'd been assured would sleep the whole evening - which she did. Instead my stomach just became increasingly sour and the shaking wouldn't stop. I rushed to the bathroom twice to throw up, which rather distressed the little boy (and myself! I was now convinced I had a stomach bug and I was going to get the kids sick). When I wasn't puking, I had diarrhea to contend with too.

I ended up calling the children's' grandparents to take my place in watching the kids and the grandfather was perfectly fine driving me the half mile home. There I parked myself on the couch with the "barf bucket" (a cleaning bucket that served double-duty for the gastrically challenged) and trembled from head to toe while breathing heavy, and was utterly unable to doze off despite feeling exhausted.

This was the first time my parents expressed any concern (that I noticed anyway) about one of these fits as it was so much more severe than anything previous. And I was convinced that it was utterly different from my other nervous episodes; certain that I was physically ill. When I expressed that I was dizzy, had a hard time forming complete sentences and my hands were starting to seize up and form claw shapes (in hindsight, that was all from hyperventilation), they decided it was time to take me to the emergency room where I got my first ride in a wheelchair because by then I was having a real hard time walking straight. 

The staff ran some tests and hooked me up to a bag of fluids, but they couldn't find anything wrong with me. After being there for an hour or so I was suddenly feeling better and so was sent home. No one even mentioned the possibility that this was actually "just" a panic attack. It never crossed anyone's mind until much later. 

I tried babysitting for that family one more time after that, and though I did make it through the whole time they'd hired me for, I was utterly miserable. My stomach just did flip-flops and my body shook so much that I couldn't play with the boy and he was sent to bed early while I watched TV to try to calm my nerves. I had to give up on my babysitting aspirations after that. I just couldn't handle it.

By the time I went to college, I had been around enough between trips through school and Girl Scouts  to know that my first night sleeping in a strange place wasn't going to be pleasant (as symptoms typically only arose after dark). Those symptoms included: intense nausea (with no vomiting); uncontrollable shaking; heavy breathing; pounding heart; tender belly; and usually diarrhea/loose stools (though pooping sometimes made me feel worse, so I'd often try not to go to the bathroom). Sometimes my mouth would water and I'd have to spit into a tissue, or (gross!) just let myself drool because swallowing would only sour my stomach more. Laying down would make me feel far worse, so I'd have to sit up or walk around. I could typically doze lightly in this state (while sitting up of course), but I'd have weird dreams and wake often. Having the lights out would exacerbate symptoms, so lights needed to stay on for the duration. Stomach remedies like Pepto Bismol didn't really help, but they typically didn't make it worse either. Obviously I had no interest in food during these attacks and the smell, sometimes even just the thought of food was a big no-no; though I found nibbling of something very bland and simple, like lettuce wasn't a bad thing. I usually had no interest in drinking anything other than light sips of water. Symptoms tended to come on suddenly and leave just as quickly; the whole ordeal lasting several hours. Once it passed though, I'd feel perfectly fine. I could lay down again and sleep soundly. The dark posed absolutely no problem.

This pattern continued through college and then into living on my own. Around that time that I started calling my affliction "Travel Anxiety" because it seemed to only happen when traveling. This of course didn't stop me from taking trips, it just meant I had to plan for these inevitable inconveniences. The real problem arose when I starting having troubles eating at restaurants or at friend's houses. This is where my anxiety issues started getting linked to food in my head. If at a restaurant, I'd have to pay attention to where the bathrooms were in case I had an attack and have to rush off with a bout of diarrhea (which was becoming more frequent). I'd have to warn friends that my stomach may take a turn for the worse and I may need to go home early or just live in the bathroom for a half hour.

This affliction became more than just irritating or annoying, I was starting to lose weight (which was a bit of a problem as I've always been on the skinnier side). I was also starting to become afraid to eat because by this point in my life (early to mid-20's) it seemed that I was getting sick about every-other time I ate. This was becoming a real issue.

Click here for Part 2, or if you want to skip to the end, here's Part 3.

COVID Update (And More)

I'd be remiss if I didn't do some type of COVID follow-up after my last post; so here's a quick recap: I'm happy to announce that the Coronavirus did not effect my region nearly as badly as it did some others. "The Bubble" was dismantled in early April and all the patient rooms on the floor where I work were equipped with fans to turn them into negative air pressure rooms (so long as you keep the patient room door closed). We still get the occasional COVID-19 positive patient here and there. Happily there's no longer the underlying nervousness about caring for these patients. We have a better understanding now of how to treat COVID patients and what to look out for as warning signs that they may need a higher level of care (i.e. transfer to the ICU).

It does make people outside of the hospital setting nervous when they ask, "So what do you do?" and I out and out reply, "I'm a COVID nurse." They take a step back and tend to keep their distance. They often have questions, which I'm happy to answer. I try to relieve ignorance where I can. This is a nasty illness and it can take down the strong and weak alike, the healthy and the sick. At this point we have no way of predicting who will develop complications from contracting the coronavirus, and who will just have passing symptoms that don't even need hospitalization; so we in the healthcare field advocate doing what can be done to avoid coming down with it in the first place. Frequent hand washing, and mask-wearing while in poorly ventilated spaces where one may be within six feet of another person are still the best precautions.

 I know everyone is sick (no pun intended) of COVID-19. People in the future will likely look back on this brief span of time and be amazed at how much air-time this virus has received. I can't wait for this illness to become a thing of the past; but for now it's still here and it's still real.

*  *  *

On a happily unrelated note: I've been up to more than "just" nursing. I recently started work on a Regency (Empire) Era outfit (pics in future posts that will feature more of the outfit as it's completed). This project will be a hybrid of hand-sewn and machine-sewn. Though I'm shooting for as historically accurate as possible, there will likly be liberties taken based on my whims. So far I have the chemise and stays finished.

I continue to pick away at the Vampire story. It's nearing the end and as of this writing was sitting at just below 68,000 words. I've mentioned a lot on social media that this one will likely never be published as it's too much like other already-existing works; so we'll call it an "homage piece". Happily this means that it'll be available to all who ask (for free) when it's finished and gets squeezed through a couple beta reads. (It may be free, but it's going to be proof-read and edited!).

I've been putting off agent-scouting the Tree Mage story, waiting for the fabled "Right Time™". Of course now would be a great time since we're getting into NaNoWriMo season and submitting right before then would be ideal.

Speaking of which: I have no intention of participating in NaNoWriMo this year, but in past years I've jumped in rather last minute, so anything can happen.

Lastly: I was recently interviewed by Andrea Harkins for her Martial Arts Woman podcast. Link for the accompanying blog post that also has the podcast link here.

The First Three Days as a COVID-19 Nurse

"May you live in interesting times"

                ~ Joseph Chamberlain

Quick backstory: I graduated nursing school in May of 2019. Was hired even before graduating at the hospital where I had done my clinical rotations. Took and passed my boards in June and started working as an RN that July. I was hired to the Med-Surg floor. Med-Surg being short for "Medical-Surgical"; we take care of people with stable medical conditions: usually COPD, complications from diabetes, pneumonia, dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, just to name a few. We also help alcoholics take their first tenuous steps towards sobriety (quitting drinking cold turkey can cause numerous health problems including seizures; we have a treatment pathway to help ease the transition). On the Surgical side, we care for knee, hip and shoulder surgeries/replacements as well as spinal fusions.There's also a variety of abdominal surgeries: appendectomies, removal of gall bladders, colon resections, etc.

I was eight months into my first year as an RN when the Coronavirus started affecting my region. Because the Med-Surg floor at my hospital is centrally located - the ICU, ER, OR and medical imaging suites are all on the same floor - we were selected to have half the floor cordoned off to be the COVID-19 isolation unit, staffed (at least for now) by volunteers. I was quick to raise my hand to volunteer since my family and myself are all in the low-risk demographic to experience complications from the Coronavirus. Plus I wanted the opportunity to see and experience first-hand how COVID-19 was being treated and what measures were being taken to protect healthcare workers.

Sectioning off half of a hospital ward was no easy task: the new unit must maintain negative pressure, meaning the air in the unit cannot circulate throughout the rest of the hospital, and it must be at a lower air pressure than the air outside the isolated ward. Air from the COVID-19 unit is filtered and sent directly outside. This involves a lot of fans and hoses that look like drier vents. The integrity of this isolation unit is maintained by water-proof plastic canvas airlocks held in place with industrial-strength tape. The airlock is accessed through heavy duty zippers. There are clear plastic windows so you can see in and out of the airlock. The airlock is just large enough to fit a hospital bed. I call this isolation unit "The Bubble".

With The Bubble being its own self-contained unit, the next problem was the supply logistics. Because there is an obvious need to limit what comes through the airlock, everything needed for patient care needs to be kept within The Bubble. Patient meds are stored in a large computerized locked cabinet called a Pyxis (pronounced pik-sis). Ours looks like this:

https://www.bd.com/assets//images/international/our-products/medication-supply-management/pyxis-medstation-system_2_DI_1011-0002.png

The Med-Surg unit has two of them, so one went into The Bubble and into a room that's usually used as a conference room. This conference room also became the supply room for IV bags and tubing, linens, diabetic testing supplies, a refrigerator and any other supplies/equipment needed to care for our patients. All in a room that was cozy with just eight people before; it now is tight with three or four.

Computers were also a tricky thing to figure out. At our hospital, we use COW's (Computers on Wheels) to document med distribution, patient charting, monitor test results. etc. We have a fair number of them on our floor, but how many should go in The Bubble? Then it became: where to plug them in to charge? In normal times they get plugged into an outlet in the hallway, and there's a fair amount of outlets...or so we thought. Remember all those fans we need to maintain the negative pressure? They need outlets too. As do the chargers for the walkie-talkies we use to talk to folks outside of The Bubble. As do the small handful of other electronics needed to keep things rolling on the inside. So power strips joined the party.

Keeping things clean comes next. Those COW's have a lot of surfaces. Glucometers for checking blood sugar also have to come in and out of patient rooms. They all need to be wiped down after every use. Thank heavens for disposable stethoscopes! There's one for each patient, so they don't need to be cleaned as often. Even so, one becomes pretty obsessive pretty quick about bleach wipes.

So now how to keep the nurses safe from catching this? How to keep them from spreading this virus to each other, other patients, their families, the general public? Enter PPE (Personal Protective Equipment): Gowns, gloves, goggles and masks.
Ah, masks. The polices keep changing on masks due to supply issues and that's a real sticking point. It partly comes down to the question of Droplet vs Airborne precautions. Here's a quick breakdown:

Droplet precautions: according to the CDC, they should be in place when "pathogens [are] transmitted by respiratory droplets that are generated by a patient who is coughing, sneezing, or talking". The pathogens hitch a ride on water droplets which are heavy and don't stay in the air for long. They can only travel about 3-6 feet before dropping down. This from of precaution is used for the flu typically and other catchy respiratory ailments. For these situations, a surgical mask provides perfectly acceptable coverage because water droplets are relatively big. We also wear disposable gowns just to be safe.

Airborne precautions: "pathogens transmitted by the airborne route". Okay; and that means....? This means the contagion can stay in the air for far longer because it's not hanging out on just water droplets. It can travel farther too because it's not drifting back to earth as quickly. In nursing school we learn the acronym MTV for "Measles, Tuberculosis & Vericella (chicken pox)". These are the three most common diseases that are transmitted via the airborne route. Airborne bugs need a more heavy-duty mask to be filtered out. Enter the N95 mask. These need to fit tightly to the face and we're tested annually to ensure the size we've been assigned still works for us.

So...is the Coronavirus a droplet or airborne pathogen?
According to the CDC, Coronavirus is "only" a droplet baddy so a surgical mask should be fine at stopping it. However if a patient is receiving a nebulizer treatment; or a nurse must handle intubation equipment, the virus is considered airborne and an N95 should be worn.
That being said, most hospitals are taking no chances and staff treating patients who test positive for or are suspected of having COVID-19 are instructed to wear N95 masks.

Here's the problem, because we rarely encounter airborne pathogens on a regular basis, hospitals do not have vast stocks of N95 masks. Pair that with the fact that panic-buying has depleted the supply and Coronavirus took a while to come to the US, these masks are in short supply. Surgical masks are also limited presently partly due to the aforementioned panic-buying, but also because we're just coming out of flu season; so rationing has been put in place. When and how masks are used is certainly a point of contention and guidelines and policies are changing day to day (sometimes hour to hour!).

That all being said, what does a day look like in the life of a COVID-19 nurse?
I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get myself together. Put on my regular work scrubs (just in case I'm not needed in The Bubble that day for some reason) and head out a little after 6:00. It's a 25-30 minute commute for me; very little traffic at that hour and with quarantining in place, traffic is even lighter. Lately I've been listening to Lindsey Stirling's album "Artemis" in the car because her music makes me so happy.

Once at work, I'm greeting by two people: one to take my temperature and one to ask if I have symptoms of Coronavirus and/or have been tested for it. Once through the checkpoint I head up to my floor, clock in and go to the locker room. I've really paired down what I take with me into The Bubble - just a four-color pen, a flashlight, my bandage scissors, some alcohol swabs and IV tubing caps. A small handful of individually wrapped hard candies helps keep the blood sugar up throughout the day.

As soon as I know I'm going into The Bubble, I slip into the patient room that's become the COVID nurse break-room. I leave my water bottle on the table, grab a set of hospital-provided scrubs, hop into the bathroom and change, leaving my badge with my work scrubs (one less thing to clean). The clothing I wear coming in goes into a plastic bag. I make sure my hair is pulled back tight, set my stuff off to the side, and into the airlock I go.

I don a rewashable yellow gown, a pair of gloves and a surgical mask and then step through the airlock and into The Bubble. I receive report from the nurse coming off shift, make sure I have enough N95 masks for the number of patients I have (we try to keep it to no more than three patients per nurse); and off I go! Because policies are always shifting, things are a little different from one day to the next. Maybe our aid(s) will do all the vital signs on the patients in The Bubble, sometimes we're supposed to as we're assessing. We pass meds, we get things for our patients, keep an eye on test results and imaging (X-rays, CT scans, etc). We do EKG's ourselves - something other people did before; to limit the number of people in The Bubble, we're doing more ourselves. We keep the doctors abreast to changes as things can change quickly with a patient. We're mostly Med-Surg nurses; we're used to taking care of "healthy sick" patients, so this is a little new to most of us.

Because our hallway garb is considered "clean" we can go right into a patient room if we have a mask for that room. Once we're done, we stop at the doorway, take off our gown and gloves. The N95 goes into a brown paper bag clipped to the doorframe. We wipe off our goggles, wash our hands and put on a new gown and set of gloves and our hall mask. We're now considered "clean" and can wander around freely until we go into another room. 

What does COVID-19 look like? Well, as of this writing I've only cared for one confirmed case. That person had a low-grade fever (100°) that didn't come down with Tylenol, they had chills and needed supplemental oxygen via a nasal cannula. They remained alert throughout all this, but felt weak. Though their pulse oximetry reading looked fine, their ABG (Arterial Blood Gas) report wasn't so great and their chest x-ray showed a deterioration in condition. For these reasons that person was transferred to the ICU (which has also become a negative pressure Bubble).
But we have discharged COVID-19-positive people who were perfectly stable, with the instructions to self-quarantine.

The vast majority of patients inside The Bubble have tested negative; but that can cause a false sense of security. To get a positive test, one has to have enough of the virus within their body for the test to detect the viral RNA. Easy-peasy. But if there isn't enough virus within your system, it may come back negative even if you actually have it, so we're telling everyone we discharge from the COVID-19 unit to self-quarantine for two weeks even if their test comes back negative. [source]

We're encouraged to leave The Bubble periodically for food, water and rest. We're usually pretty good about lunch and dinner, but we rarely remember to take breaks. When you leave the Bubble, you go into the airlock, take off the gown, and gloves. Your goggles and mask go into another brown paper bag. Squirt some sanitizer onto your hands and you're good to leave the airlock for fresh air and food. (We have a staff bathroom within The Bubble, so we don't need to leave for that). We have been instructed to take our temperature at least two times per shift.

At the end of the shift, after leaving the airlock, I grab my bag of clothes and another bag with shower flip-flops and a hair brush that always stays at work. I hop into the bathroom and shower real quick - someone has lovingly provided shampoo, conditioner and body wash for communal use. After which I put on the scrubs I came to work in, toss the hospital-provided scrubs and my towels and washcloth in a linen bin and chill for a little bit before heading home.

I'm the one getting groceries for the family, so if we need something, I stop at the store on my way home; careful to maintain an appropriate amount of social distancing, but also being as friendly as possible because people are nervous right now and a smile here and there never hurt anybody! I get to chill at home for about an hour and a half before getting ready for bed so I can do it again the next day.

I've had two glorious days off since those first three days in The Bubble and tomorrow I go back for another two days. Likely things will be a little different tomorrow; and things will continue to change and evolve as the presence of the virus changes and evolves in our area.

While things are going on inside The Bubble, the rest of the Med-Surg floor is waiting and holding its collective breath. Patients that usually go to our floor are being sent to the other Medical floor in our hospital. All elective surgeries have been cancelled; so there's very few patients outside The Bubble on our floor at the moment. There's been talk off turning the whole Med-Surg floor into a negative pressure COVID-19 ward. If that happens, we'll go from 10 rooms and 14 beds to 20 rooms and 30 beds.

Who knows where this will take us. In a year one might reread this and think, "Oh, my sweet summer child. You knew nothing." or they may go, "Welp, that was overkill." Right now though, we just don't know where things are headed. Current quarantine measures may successfully flatten the curve and we'll all come out of this just fine; or things can go to hell in a hand basket very quickly and hospitals will become overwhelmed in a matter of days. We're doing the best we can with the information and supplies available to us. Our goal is to keep people safe and healthy.

I absolutely love the outpouring of public support and the desire multiple people have had to make rewashable fabric masks for healthcare workers. Unfortunately, according to this study, fabric masks are not terribly effective and most certainly won't replace those N95's, but I very much appreciate people's desire to help where they can. Right now you can help best by staying home as much as possible and washing your hands. Buy only what you need; but by all means buy a little ahead so you don't need to go out as frequently. Eat well. Love your neighbor and stay safe!

Where Have I Been: Part 2

I assure you, this blog isn't abandoned; I actually come back here fairly frequently to double-check dates on writing projects and life events. It's been a crazy few years (As you might have guessed from part 1 of the post with the same name).

All I can say is nursing school absorbed a great deal of my time. Once my pre-req classes were done and nursing school started in full, I quit my job, dumped all extra-curricular activities and hankered down for a two-year program that only got harder and more stressful as the semesters went! I have significantly more silver in my hair now than I did before nursing school and I can tell you that I wear it as a badge of pride! I worked very hard for my degree and then passing my boards. I was hired right out of clinical and have been working as an RN for nearly six months now.

I'm continually surprised at how well I'm handling the responsibility, occasional "ickiness" and energetic requirements of this noble profession. Turns out I'm apparently very well-suited for being a nurse and that's been a great relief!

But y'all aren't here to get caught up on my real-world pursuits. What have I been doing in the artisic/writing realm?

1) That King George costume I'd been drooling over in the last post has been created. And despite my best efforts to NOT rush it, the fates conspired against me and I was working right up till the last minute making it (yes boys and girls, I got to see Hamilton in person and it was amazing!)

I immediately followed that project up with a rushed Viking Era garb project that I (ironically) haven't worn yet; but I can assure you that those two back-to-back projects have quelled my need for sewing for quite a while! (tee-hee)

2) As far as writing goes: that WIP I mentioned was indeed completed and run through two or three beta readers. I've been wanting to agent-scout it for a year or two, but haven't managed yet. One more beta reader got their hands on it and I haven't incorporated their edits/suggestions yet. I want to get out of post-NaNoWriMo season before giving it a 2020 go.

3) Two summers ago I had a weird dream that sparked an idea for a vampire story (I've been wanting to write a vampire story for a very long time, but felt there was nothing I could add to the genre). This story may not be terribly original, but it's been a delightful guilty pleasure that I started typing up this past summer. I'm about 75% done with it and enjoying it immensely; though it may never see the light of day.

4) "The Kai'us Planet" is next on the docket once that vampire tale achieves a satisfactory level of completion. I'm always noodling on it and making mental tweaks here and there so once I actually sit down and put fingertips to keys, it should go fairly quick (famous last words!)

5) And all those blog topics I hinted at so many years back?
They're still floating around in ye ol' noggin; and on a list on my desk somewhere. I may indeed kick out a series of them to share with you all at some point. It depends a great deal on my general ambition level. I may just start afresh with something else I haven't even thought of yet.

We'll see how it goes.

In the mean time, I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am indeed still alive and being creative. Thanks so much for stopping by and I'm hoping to pick this back up again and be lexically active again.

Chakras and Civilization

I really enjoyed taking Sociology last semester.  It stirred up a lot of think-juice.  On the first day of class the teacher handed out index cards and had us answer a handful of questions describing ourselves and our views.  The last question asked us to articulate how we viewed society: "Society is..."

Society is what?
The answer was supposed to give the teacher an idea on whether we viewed society along the lines of an Interactionist, a Functionalist, or a Conflict...ist (Head over to the Cliff Notes for explanations on all that).  Neither here nor there though, we didn't know any of that stuff yet.  There was just the question to answer.

I noodled on it for a bit and finally wrote, "Society is like the Chakra system".

Over the next few days that notion blossomed into a rather fun, "What if" theory.  What if the growth and development of society is like the seven (or more?) Chakras described in Eastern philosophy?  Curious about what the heck a Chakra is?  I rather liked the descriptions given on Deepak Chopra's website, so I'll just drop that link here.  Fear not, here's the TL:DR, or if you're already familiar with Chakras, here's my (abbreviated) personal take on these critical energy centers in the human body:

1) The Root Chakra - Your connection to your "People"; your base and foundation
2) The Sacral Chakra - The creative center; associated with sexuality and reproduction
3) The Solar Plexus Chakra - Digestion and processing of new ideas and information; this Chakra is considered the dividing line between the mundane and spiritual
4) The Heart Chakra - Love specifically; feelings and emotions in general
5) The Throat Chakra - Communication and articulation
6) Third Eye - Perceiving more than what "meets the eye"; intuition
7) The Crown Chakra - Your connection to divinity; your spiritual awareness

So how does that relate to cultural development?
I feel that society naturally moves through various stages that can be related to the Chakra "ladder".  I can't imagine I'm the first to come up with this idea, but I haven't encountered it before. This is just a fun thought exercise and isn't a perfect analogy, so here goes:

1) A species develops its way up to sentience (yay!).  Family groups band together for protection, companionship and to help increase survival.  Budding culture starts to form as "rules" need to be developed to handle individuals living in larger groups: knowing one's place within the group; knowing that one must act differently/deferentially in the presence of certain individuals.  Social roles start to form: who gathers food? Should certain individuals eat first? Who makes the shelter, or finds the best place to sleep? Who tends to the young? Who keeps order? Who has the right to reproduce? Who isn't allowed to reproduce, etc?

I feel that dolphins, elephants, great apes, and certain parrot species are already at this level.
For humans, this is the early caveman era.

2) Moving along to the creative center.  More refined language develops.  Though rudimentary language forms back in the first phase with instinctual communication (body language, scent and universal utterances); communication leaps forward in this stage.  Grammar develops; vocabulary explodes; body language becomes more conscious and/or elaborate.  Dialects and "accents" form: Members of one group may no longer be able to communicate effectively with other groups.

Tool-making takes off.  Stone Age(s)!

3) In my opinion Humans are the only ones to make it this far (on our planet).  This is where the environment gets "conquered".  The building of elaborate dwellings.  The domestication of plants and other animals.  Mining.  Body adornments become more showy and not just for protection and warmth anymore.  Groups can get larger and more organized as language continues to develop and become increasingly refined.

Going back to Chakras: in the body, the diaphragm separates the solar plexus from the Heart Charka (hence the notion of the diaphragm separating the energies of the mundane from the divine).  This diaphragm "ceiling" meant that humanity hung out here for a very long time.  Speaking of the divine though, let's move on:

4) The religion of love!
Though religions certainly developed before this stage, they were authoritative to reflect and reinforce the (now ancient) cultural rules that have glued society together.  Before this point, even though humanity had been living together in increasingly larger groups for centuries, there was still a selfish "every-man-for-himself" attitude underlying it all.

Along comes The Buddha, Jesus and Mohamed talking about love and compassion.  For the first time people were asked to think of others as themselves instead of apart from themselves.

It's taken centuries since then for humanity to climb up out of the quagmire of a desire for world domination to an understanding that: living things go extinct if you kill them all; that the earth can be scarred if not cared for; that children are not just miniature adults capable of adult thought and reasoning; that oppressed people might actually desire freedom and autonomy.

I think this is primarily the stage humanity is at presently.  There's still plenty of thoughts and notions aligned with the three earlier stages, but there's also a fair amount of movement upward too.  The human race won't move forward as a whole until the older mindsets dissolve (we'll get there!).

5) My optimistic views are driven by the fact that there is clear movement into the communication center.  The printing press, telegraph, radio, telephones, television, the internet (OMG the internet!)  The world is shrinking as we continue to find new and faster ways to communicate with each other!  Societal empathy continues to grow as we communicate more and more with different people.

Previously oppressed people (women, racial/cultural minorities, etc) are "winning" their voices and the right to speak as growing equals to those who have held power in the previous stages.

6) As society equalizes and the thought of killing and oppression becomes increasingly distasteful to the masses, I feel we'll shift into this sixth stage.  Of course there are individuals already filtering upward - think the Indigo and Crystal Children touted about in the New Age movement. (Sorry, no links for this - go hunting yourself.  I couldn't find any good sites that weren't too "flowery").  And that's a big reason why I really don't think we're "there" yet.

At present this stage of humanity is viewed very romantically and (in my humble opinion) over simplistically because it's being viewed/projected through the lens of those old-fashioned mindsets I spoke of earlier. Yes, antiquated social structures that no longer serve our race or the planet will indeed need to break down to get to this point, but I feel the stereotype assigned to this stage is a group of uninhabited hippies wearing flowers and flowing robes; diluting their childish narcissism by chanting OM into their crystals.

I feel that instead of the people of this stage being self-absorbed and mis-/un-informed, there will instead come a sense of personal responsibility to oneself and others.  A thirst for knowledge and understanding of all things, not just what affects the self.  There'll be a universal level of self-awareness and (therefore) social-awareness at this stage.  A knowing and acknowledging that every thought, word and action affects others.  Yes, society will be very different; but that's because the rules of the first stage will be done away with.  The need for second-stage sexual power will no longer hold sway; previously held hierarchies and social roles will collapse.  The need to conquer the world and all upon it will be considered petty and unjust.

Instead people and society will flow consciously, intuitively, and empathically.  Love and communication with become the new foundation for the world ahead.

Another thing I predict for this stage is a great lessening of communal fear.  What I mean by that is events of the world (either societal- or nature-driven) are presently viewed as random and therefore scary.  Entering into the Third-Eye stage of development, the causes of things will be more clearly seen.  The seeming randomness of the world will evaporate.  A pervasive fearlessness will fill humanity. 

7) Oh boy!
This stage is so far above my head (Get it? Get it?) that I can't even begin to speculate.
A constant/conscious connection with Divinity.  A knowing of "Who You Are" (humanity's greatest question) without even needing to ask.  What will that be like?  Who knows.
Lets go find out!

Where've I Been?

Not writing, obviously!

This winter/spring has been crazy with school (three classes, one with a lab & lecture to boot), working full-time; and, oh doing a play and participating in a belly dance show because I'm crazy like that.  Have I mentioned that we've also taken in my (now) ten year old niece?  Yeah, things have been busy around here of late.

Happily, the spring semester finished up over a week ago, suddenly freeing up my time.  I won't have class again until July (yay!).  So in the meantime I'm planning on laying low and keeping my extracurricular activities to a minimum (cue canned laugh-track).

There's been no meaningful martial arts practice in my life for well over a year.  This is bothering me less now than it did a few months ago, but I'd really like to get back into it if I can.  Rather thinking of giving Wing Chun Kung Fu a try; and maybe taking a Tai Chi refresher class here and there.  Karate is going to have to take a long hiatus unless something new and exciting pops up.

Haven't been doing any sewing/crafting to speak of in about as long.  Fortunately I've discovered the Hamilton soundtrack (thanks to the theater kids in the afore mentioned play), and I'm chomping at the bit to make a King George III cosplay.  Of course the niece will want something too, so I'll have to plan accordingly for that as well. 

In the writing department, my thoughts keep returning to the WIP that I'm close to finishing, as well as "The Kai'us Planet".  Those aside though, school has really lit a fire under me concerning blog ideas.  I have a whole list of topics ranging from whimsical, esoteric pieces; to seriously researched and cited articles; to everything in between.  It was really hard not to work on them earlier, but food and sleep won out (seriously, these past few months have been insane!)  I'm hoping in the coming weeks I can set some time aside to hammer out a few of these ideas for your reading pleasure.

So that's the long and short of it.
This blog hasn't been abandoned, just set aside while life did its thing.  Here's to hoping you hear from me again sooner than five months from now!

A Year in Review - 2016

Welp, that year didn't go as expected.
There's been some pretty interesting highs and lows this year.  Here's the breakdown:

Illness Leads to Education

I started off this year "right" with a rip-roaring case of mono.  Though it knocked me on my ass, I apparently got off pretty easy.  I slept a lot, didn't have a huge amount of stamina, I tired really easy, and standing in one place for more than ten seconds (like waiting in line at the store or bank) was terrifying as I felt I could collapse at any moment; but I could function.  Maybe because I was in the best shape of my life when I fell ill.  I was just thinking about gearing up for my next Karate rank, and had just started taking boxing lessons to improve my sparring.  I was assistant teaching Tai Chi and was doing daily exercises in the morning before work.

So instead of staying at home in bed sleeping, like I should have been, I'd go into work for four hours (since I was at my strongest in the mornings), then go home and sleep for a little bit and then remote into work for a couple hours in the evenings.  Looking back I'd say this arrangement was suicidally crazy, but I needed money and I really hate doing nothing.  Because of that, during a stretch where I couldn't work even under those conditions, I decided to apply to a local community college with the intent of going to nursing school. (I get bored easy you see; if you leave me alone with nothing to do, I end up doing crazy things like that.)

I got in!

Now some of you might be asking, "What?!"
While others will be cheering, "Finally!"

For the first group: I've been toying with the notion of becoming a nurse for a very long time; I just never felt I had the level of maturity and emotional wherewithal to handle being in that noble profession.  However, a lot has happened in my life within the past five or so years to make me feel I might actually be ready to give this a go.  Being home-bound, (supposedly) recovering from mono was just that little nudge I needed to take the plunge.

I just finished my first semester of prerequisite classes earlier this month, passing with flying colors (while working full-time).  I put in my formal application to the nursing program as soon as the final grades were posted.
Next semester (which starts at the end of January) will be ten credits (three classes) of general education classes that I'd like to get out of the way before doing "real" nursing school (which starts next fall if I get in).  The summer semester will also be just gen-eds.

I'll know if I've landed a coveted a seat in the Class of 2019 about halfway through this coming semester.  If I get in, I plan on dropping back to part-time at the 9-5 job, or stop working completely to focus on school.  We'll be playing that one by ear as it comes.

The current game-plan is to get my RN and work in a hospital for as long as I can tolerate it.  During that time I'd like to see if I can find an employer who'll pay for me to get my Bachelor's degree.  After which I want to get even more nursing experience before going on to get my Master's and become a Certified Nurse Midwife.  We'll see where and how that all goes (you know, the way to make God laugh and all that...)

As for my health: it's taken most of this year to recover my strength and stamina.  I'm still seriously limiting the extracurricular activities, but happily there's plenty of others things going on presently to keep me occupied (more on that later).

Martial Arts

Though I had every intention to push for my next Karate rank this year, thanks to mono and changes at the Karate club, I've been laying low in regards to the martial arts.  I also had to drop the Tai Chi assistant teaching due to my illness; but I think the couple months I did do it served their purpose.  I still practice the whole short form on my own periodically, which is quite lovely.

Recently I tried to do my morning exercises again (something I just haven't had the strength to do for most of this year).  I was happy to see I could stick with it for a full week, but because I'm not really doing anything physically challenging at present, I didn't see the need to keep up with it.

We'll see what next year brings to my martial arts journey.  It might be another time for a hiatus.  Who knows.

Cabin in the Woods

As soon as I was well enough to do any level of physical labor this spring, my husband Rick and I headed up to Raquette Lake on any and all available weekends to continue cleaning out his father's camp (a project we'd been tackling since last summer).  We had hoped to get an offer on it this spring and get it sold ASAP so we wouldn't have to pay another year of property taxes on the place, but it wasn't to be.

Still, we toiled through the summer as we slowly lost hope of selling it at all this year.

Then out of the blue, a serious offer came in.  The couple were happy to pay the list price but on one condition: the camp had to be completely cleared out by the closing slated for November 1st.

Can do!
Rick and I hauled ass wrangling up friends and family to help get that place cleaned out.
An outsider may wonder, "How bad could it have been? It was after all just a little camp in the Adirondacks!"

Yeah well, Rick's Dad was a hoarder and avid collector of all things not valuable.  He'd lived in the camp every summer for several decades.  Slowly and methodically he had haul things to up one boatload at a time.  Books and furniture, and he NEVER threw out mail, newspapers or magazines.  He loved all things Disney, so long as it could be fished out of a trash can for purchased for five bucks off ebay.  Happily most of the stuff was meticulously cataloged and stored, but it didn't make getting it out of there any easier as you could only access the camp via a five-mile boat ride.

It was not a fun or easy project, but we prevailed and the camp was "broom-clean" before the end of October!  The closing went through without a hitch and we couldn't be happier! 

Writing

You might have noticed that the blog hasn't gotten much loving this year (apart from a couple really fun Kai'us-related series that I posted this summer).
It's not that I haven't wanted to write on the blog: I've got several half-baked drafts sitting in my queue waiting to be finished.  Lack of time and energy is what I'm blaming (see above, lol).

Really though all my writing has suffered this year.  I haven't even been working on my other WIP's, nor did I have much interest in participating in NaNoWriMo this year.

So what else could be keeping me from writing apart from recovering from a debilitating illness, helping to clear out my deceased father-in-law's Adirondack camp and going to school?  Glad you asked (see below)!

Co-Parenthood

This summer, Rick and I became legal guardians of my nine year old niece in partnership with her parents (my brother and sister-in-law).  She started living with us in mid-August.  She started the fourth grade in our school district this September, and is loving Girl Scouts and Karate (when we go).

Our days now tend to go as follows: Rick gets her up and ready for school as I get ready for work.  I drive her into school as it works well with my work schedule and route.  She and I get a few minutes of in-the-car-bonding time, which is fun; then I continue on to work and do grown-up things.
Rick gets her off the bus in the afternoon, makes sure she does her homework and makes her dinner.
In the evenings I come home, eat whatever is left of dinner and give Child my undivided attention so that Rick can get some alone time as she unwinds for the evening.  Every evening, the three of us read together before bed.  She has an early bedtime, so I get a good hour and a half, to two hours after she's gone to bed to do my own unwinding before I head off to sleep as well.

So far it's been working really well for all involved.  I honestly don't mind spending my evenings this way as otherwise I'd just be on the computer, probably not being terribly productive as I haven't been writing much lately.

So what do I hope for 2017?

School will likely dominate my life for the next couple years, which doesn't bother me too much.  I love learning.  My current boss knows that my days at the printing company are numbered and he'll hopefully get me a replacement that I can train soon.

The small business that I run with a friend is humming along nicely.  We attended a couple events as vendors earlier this year and thanks to a new product we had to offer, we nearly doubled our sales from last year in just the first few months of this one!  We also have a quiet etsy presence that's continued to generate tidy sales throughout the year.  Interestingly enough my business partner will also be going back to school next year, so there's no hard feelings about me being busy with academic pursuits.  It just means we'll have plan our crafting days a little more carefully than in the past.  (She blogs too btw.  Feel free to give her a read!)

As mentioned before: what I'll be doing in the martial arts department next year is a little up in the air.  Right now I'm just taking it one day/week/month at a time.  I AM a martial artist though, so I'm sure something will present itself.

Same goes for writing.  I have a WIP that's very close to being ready to go agent-hunting.  It'd be nice to get the ball rolling again on that soon.

2017 Holds a lot of promise and potential.  We'll see how it goes!

Kai'us Racial Genetics

This is the last of series of posts regarding Kai'us culture (for now).
The first bit was a five-part series last month going into the Kai'us creation myths.
Earlier this month I also talked about the system Kai'us' use to prevent inbreeding.

This post will talk about how interracial Kai'us pairings work on an over-simplistic genetic level.
Kai'us races are different from Human races.  What we consider different "races" are just regional and ethnic variations.  Any human can successfully produce viable offspring with any other human.  In short: every "race" of humanity can interbreed.

When I refer to "race" in regards to Kai'us', I'm actually referring to different sub-species.  The seven genetically-unique Kai'us races can successfully interbreed and produce fertile offspring, but the racial genetic markers do not hybridize and it's possible (easy actually) to "breed out" specific genetic markers.

This hasn't always been the case however.  When their world goes through its periods of great geological instability, everyone's DNA becomes unstable and hybridization occurs much more freely.  During the time period I'm working in though (Post-Second Cataclysm onward), Kai'us DNA is incredibly stable to the point where chromosomal abnormalities are practically unheard of.  Even identical twins are incredibly rare (though fraternal twins are actually more common than among humans).

Before I go into the details though, let's refresh ourselves on basic genetics.  Remember that every person typically has two genes for any particular trait: one gene they get from their mother and the other they get from their father.  Using that Punnett Square I mentioned in the last post, let's do an easy one and lay out the probability of parents producing a boy or a girl child.  (Genetic) gender in humans is determined by the x- and y-chromosomes.  If you have two x-chromosomes, you're genetically female.  An x- and a y- together makes you genetically male.

Let's step it up a notch and pretend a person's height is determined by one of only two genes: "T" would produce tall people, "s" would produce short people, and a combination of the two would produce a person of medium height.

Okay, so now that you've recovered from flashbacks of Biology class, let's apply these principles to Kai'us'.  As mentioned before, I'm going to over-simplify the following explanation significantly since no one gene determines all of a Kai'us' racial characteristics, but to make both our lives easier, let's just say that Kai'us race is determined by either a dominant (D) or a recessive (r) gene.

Pairings made from the same race can produce viable offspring no matter what combination of genes are expressed (DD, rr, or Dr would all be viable combinations).

When you start blending races however things get tricky: to produce viable (live) offspring, one parent must provide a dominate racial gene, and the other parent must contribute a recessive racial gene.  Two dominate genes or two recessives will not produce live young.  Interestingly enough, when interracial pairings do occur, people are often more drawn to each other when they're genetically compatible.

Another nice thing is that any children produced with the requisite dominate and recessive genes will be fully fertile and able to produce offspring of their own.

For our first hypothetical pairing, let's put together a Spider Kai'us (represented by a "$" for dominate, and an "s" for recessive), and a Cave Kai'us (C for dominate, and ¢ for recessive) as this would be the most probable pairing, especially among the Ka-Kiu.

Spider Kai'us' are a tall, desert-dwelling race with four arms.  Red/orange mane colors are not uncommon among them, but various shades of brown are the norm (running more to the lighter end of the spectrum).  Brown eyes are by far the most common, but other shades pop up here and there and run strongly in families when they do appear.

Cave Kai'us' bear the "basic" Kai'us form (two arms, two legs, and average build).  For mane colors, nearly every shade of brown can be found among them, though the extremes (blond at one end and black at the other) are very rare.  Like most races, brown eyes are what you're most likely to find, but Cave Kai'us' are the most likely to have dark blue or dark green eyes of any other race.

Obviously this isn't the only combination that will produce viable offspring.  A $s Spider Kai'us parent could have children with a ¢¢ Cave Kai'us (with a 50% success rate; all children would have four arms), or even a CC Cave Kai'us (50% as well; with two-armed children).

A $$ parent could have children with a C¢ person (with 50% success; all children would have four arms), as well as a ¢¢ person (100% success; all children would have four arms as well).

A ss parent could also have children with a C¢ person (also with a 50% chance of success; all children would have two arms though).  Mating with a CC person would provide a 100% chance of Cave Kai'us hybrids.

Even though statistically there's a 50/50 chance of a genetic mismatch with most combinations; nearly every attempt at conception will produce a viable baby.  This is because Kai'us' tend to only mate six times in their entire life. (The reasons are many) and Nature will do everything in its power to ensure the right genes match up to produce live offspring.

Now let's pair up a few hybrids and see the interesting combination that get produced:

For chuckles and giggles, let's introduce a third race.  Though this is rare, even among the Ka-Kiu, let's put together a Cave and a Spider hybrid that both carry the racially recessive genes for Mountain Kai'us' (represented with an "m").

The Mountain People have a heavier build than the other races. They're known for their physical strength; and they have thick, bristly hair that runs down the backs of their arms and legs the same color as their mane.  Both their mane and eyes colors are consistently darker than the other races, almost always dark brown or black. 

From this combination, you can see there's a 25% chance of no viable offspring, a 25% chance of a Cave/Mountain hybrid, a 25% of a Spider/Mountain hybrid, but a 25% of a genetically pure Mountain Kai'us.

And so there's the long and the short of Kai'us racial genetics.
I hope you've enjoyed this peek into the science end of Kai'us'.
If you liked what you've read these past two months, be sure to bug me periodically to get the book finished so you can read a whole novel about these fascinating creatures!

Kai'us Clans

Last month I posted a series of Kai'us creation myths (check out the intro here if you like; it will also lead you through the rest of the myths).

I was having so much fun writing all this Kai'us stuff that I thought I'd spill things over into this month and get science-y; discussing a little about Kai'us genetics and how they avoid inadvertent inbreeding.  Both these topics are very briefly touched on in the novel I'm working on (currently called "The Kai'us Planet"), but obviously they're far too involved to go into in-depth in the book, so I'll post about them here.

This week's post will be about the complex clan system Kai'us' use to ensure couples aren't too closely related.  It's not fool-proof though because people as close as second cousins would be able to marry, and sometimes people who we wouldn't consider even remotely related wouldn't be able to wed.  Still, it certainly keeps siblings and first cousins away from each other at the very least.

Though the dynamics are there (and have been for years), there's certain details I'm still hammering out, like: should each race have 24, 32, or even 64 clans?  How much bearing should a person's clans have on how they're viewed in society?  Are there "good" clans and "bad" clans for instance?  What should the clans be called?

I've thought of the Cave Kai'us clan names being after birds and things related to birds (they REALLY like birds!); Spider Kai'us' having insect and small, desert-dwelling creatures names; Mountain Kai'us' having names to do with stones, jewels, and metals; Winged Kai'us' after types of trees and plants; but that's a whole boat-load of vocab I've haven't even begun to hit on yet! (And that's just the Old Races!!)

So for the sake of argument, I'll do this break-down with just numbers (which is how I've been doing it thus far).  Even with this simple labeling system though it's likely still going to get confusing, so I'll do my best to keep things simple.

Unfortunately it gets insane right out of the starting gate: each and every Kai'us is identified by four separate clans, and how they're ordered is slightly different depending on if you're a boy or a girl.

First I invite you to re-familiarize yourself with the Punnett Square that you likely learned about in biology class concerning bean plants, fruit flies, and blood types.  Though it'll relate more to my next post about Kai'us racial genetics, it's general principle will come in handy with the clan break-downs as well.

With that in mind, you get your first clan name from the parent who's the same gender as you.
Your second clan name comes from the first clan of your opposite-gendered parent.
You get your third clan and fourth clans from your grandparents (that part will be easier to show than tell).

Let's break it down from the beginning starting with the "first man" and the "first woman".

 

The colors are arbitrary by the way.  I’m just using them to separate things out a little better visually (you’ll thank me in a moment).

The boy’s first clan is the same as his Dad’s.

The girl’s first clan is the same as her Mother’s.

And their second clan is the first clan of their other parent.

(Obviously for this example their parents only have one clan, but this will work even if there’s the normal four clans involved; we're starting out simple here.)

Now, these kids can’t hook up because they share clans. 

Even if just one clan is shared between two people, they can’t get married.

Lucky for these kids, their parents had neighbors of completely different clans!

Now let’s see what happens when all these young people get married and have kids.

This chart is likely going to look like an overwhelming mess, so let’s take a looksie at just one grandbaby.

Following the numbers (and handy colors), you can see that this young man’s first clan is the first clan of his father and his paternal grand-father.

His second clan is his mother’s first clan as well as his maternal grand-mother.

His third clan is his father’s second clan, which is the first clan of his paternal grand-mother.

And his fourth clan is his Mom’s second clan, same as his maternal grand-father’s first clan.

If you scroll back up, you can see that his sister’s clans are the same as his, just reversed.  

His cousins' clans are also the same, just flopped top to bottom

Now let’s go one more generation and see what happens.

As you can see, half of the clans get lost by the fourth generation, but the first clans of all the men carry through as do the first clans of all the women.

This is why it’s so important to Kai’us parents that they have at least one boy and one girl.

Boys carry on their father’s clans and girl’s carry on their mother’s lines.

Because the people living in a village can become very related very quickly, the clan system helps keep straight just who are cousins and who are a little too closely related for comfort.  

To give young people more options in the potential mate department, groups of villages gather together once every four years or so in a great festival called, "Keush-na-eekai" which translates roughly to the "Gathering of Young People".  Here eligible folks wear colored ribbons or beads to clearly display their clans.  They show off their skills and talents in various games of skill involving archery, races, and the like; or they'll set up "booths" where they can show off their crafts in weaving or pottery-making, etc.

Obviously these games and displays aren't just limited to the unmarried; anyone is welcome to participate.  These gatherings are an excellent opportunity to trade with others outside of one's home village and to see new techniques for making products and tools.

Village chiefs also have an opportunity at these festivals to discuss crops, births, deaths, and any problems they may have run into in the years between Gatherings.

There's music, singing, dancing and story telling in abundance at these multi-day events, and of course plenty of food.

If two people meet up who like each other, they'll spend time at the festival to get to know each other.  It typically doesn't take long for Kai'us' to determine if they like a particular person or not due to their telepathy.

Matches are made purely at the young people's discretion; parents are rarely directly involved in who their children choose to marry.  It's actually the villages chiefs (each village is run by a husband/wife pair) who make the ultimate decision if a potential match is a good one.

If the two young people are from different villages, the two sets of chiefs will sit down together and discuss what the young couple will contribute to the village they would live in and then determine which village needs those particular skills more.  If both villages already have a glut of what the pair has to offer, they'd be encouraged to move to another village where they'd be more useful.

Either way, once married, a young person leaves their parents' house and moves in with their new spouse.  When a person marries, they're considered part of the whole village rather than just their parents' families.

And so there's your glimpse into Kai'us clans and how they work.

Be sure to come back next time for an explanation of Kai'us racial genetics!