I tested for and achieved my next rank in Karate at the end of October.
It was the culmination of a lot of hard work and I feel much better about how I did on this test than the last one.
So now I'm 2nd Kyu. In the system I'm going through, this is second degree brown belt. I'm now two ranks away from black belt. Woo-hoo!
Also at the end of October (the last Friday to be precise) was open sparring at our sister dojo.
Anyone of all levels is welcome to attend and though this has been going on for the last Friday of every month for as long as I've been studying Karate, I'd never attended for various reasons.
What made this one special was the Sensei at that dojo is moving away and is handing it over to another instructor. The sparring session in October would be the last chance to spar with this incredible martial artist. Unable to pass up such an opportunity, I made every effort to go and I had fun!
After the sparring, the instructor who'll be taking over had his usual Tai Chi class (which is every Friday). As Tai Chi is my first martial arts love and he was a fellow classmate when I was learning all those years ago, I asked if I could stay for his class.
Sure.
Great!
And so I was reminded yet again how very much I love Tai Chi. The slower movements allow for more deliberate breathing and an easier feel of the energy flows (at least for me). Oh it was great!
It was a smallish class: less than ten people; but they were all at different spots in the form. This posed (an apparently long-standing) problem for the instructor because after the warm-up he had to split everyone up into groups based on what point they were at. He'd show one group their next move, then move to the next group and the next group and so on; dividing his time between three or four groups. If you forgot the move you were supposed to be working on (in part or in full), you'd have to wait till he came back around to your group.
Because I hadn't been in a Tai Chi class for over six years, I couldn't be terribly helpful to the group I was put with. I remembered some of the form with little to no effort on my part, but other sections were just like they were new.
Still, this situation perked my ears.
I like Tai Chi...a lot. I'd love to do it again, but I've already learned the short form (and the long form, and the sword form), I've just fallen out of practice.
Coming back as a student would seem silly. It'd all come back to me in probably a month's worth of classes and that'd be all I'd need. Though learning is a fractal process and there's always more to learn, my main focus presently is Karate.
However, seeing how he had to divide his time so much made me wonder if maybe I could be part of the solution here!
What if I came on as an assistant instructor?
I'd get my Tai Chi fix and he'd get help with the students.
It sounds rather simple and obvious, but I kid you not, this was a big mental and emotional step for me.
I've always been a student.
Always.
Yoga, belly dance, Tai Chi, whatever activity: I'm always the passive learner.
Yes, I've been an assistant instructor at Karate for well over a year now; but that's just par for the course. As soon as a brown belt is tied around your waist, no matter your age or how long you've been studying, you're automatically tossed right in and expected to be able to run warm-ups and help the lower ranks with their katas. Better hope you can count in Japanese by this point (most people can), and that you can break down the first kata into pieces new students can absorb!
Though you're now teaching others (and I'm don't mean to short-change this process, because you really do learn by teaching!), it's still from the passive student perspective: I've been told to do this so I am doing it.
Now I was reaching out and stepping into a more active role.
I honestly struggled with this paradigm shift for over two weeks.
Could I do it?
Could I handle the responsibility?
Was I being too arrogant in wanting to ask in the first place? (Remember I haven't touched Tai Chi in over six years!)
Finally I took the plunge and just asked.
I explained that I obviously wasn't qualified to teach the subtler nuances of the form, but with a little refresher, I'd be more than capable of showing students the correct hand and foot positions.
He was interested and willing to give it a go.
I was on cloud nine!
Holy cow! I was going to (assistant) teach!!
How freaking awesome!
And so for this past week leading up to the class last night I went through the opening moves of the form on my own; trying to dredge up what once had flowed so effortlessly and naturally.
I was happy to find after some trial and error that I could comfortably recall the first eight moves (out of 60).
I showed up last night a little early and he ran me through those eight moves, gently correctly my six years of rust and explaining how he articulates the movements verbally to students. Then off we went!
I will admit: this first class wasn't pretty.
After warm-ups he handed me over to his newest students who are only five or six moves in.
I bumbled so much - teaching a move in the incorrect order; moving on to the next part of the form a little too quickly for them; forgetting to talk through some of the foot positions. But the two people I was working with were so understanding and forgiving and just happy to have an instructor with them the whole time to keep repeating with them the same opening moves over and over. And oh man did I learn so much last night!
I'm humbled, but still excited.
There's still so much to do and learn, but I have at least taken the next step in my martial arts practice and I couldn't be happier!
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Being a Female in the Martial Arts (A Practical Guide)
If you count the first time I stepped foot in Tai Chi class, I've been studying martial arts for about eight or nine years. If you want to put a finer point on it though: I studied Tai Chi for about three years. I shifted over to Karate when I moved to Galway (NY) and studied that for about a year and a half.
Then I left Karate (and all other martial arts) for nearly three years (for various, varied reasons). I later returned in March of last year and have been at it ever since.
So though it sounds like I've been studying a while, my practice and training has been varied with a very long break in there. Still, I feel I've gathered some insights that might be helpful for other ladies out there interested in (but maybe a little nervous) about taking up a martial art. Hopefully these tips and pointers and "OMG, I never thought of that!" insights will give you a clearer picture of what you're getting into.
First, let's tackle the practical stuff:
Hair, nails and jewelry
Though I will admit I've seen guys in class with longer hair than mine and males can wear jewelry just as much (if not more) than some females I've encountered, it's typically the ladies who have to deal with these three things and any or all of the three can be sticking points for some.
First, your hair: if it's long enough to be pulled back, pull it back.
I just do a low ponytail because a higher one tends to swing more and I don't like that. Braids can unintentionally become flails and - though potentially humorous - you could hurt someone.
I've never tried wearing my hair in a bun, but I'm assuming it'd work just fine unless you're working on headlock self defenses.
Learn to be okay with your hair getting touched and/or messed up. Some of the escapes we learn are up close and personal. Your hair will get mangled. If this is a problem for you, you'll have to work on it if you want to get far in the martial arts.
You'll also want to skip on the makeup when coming to class.
I assure you no one will judge your lack of lip gloss or mascara.
The dojo isn't the place to look your best. Be prepared to look your worst actually. It'll be worth it.
Jewelry: take it off.
All of it. Earrings, necklaces, watches, bracelets, toe-rings, any and all piercings, etc.
I even take off my wedding ring. Happily that is really the only thing that won't be pushed on you to remove before class, but mine is solid silver and solid gold. It's heavy. It could hurt someone or even me if I don't do a technique correctly. It comes off every class.
Nails: I fought this one for a long time.
I've worn my fingernails long for most of my life. I keep them clean and well-trimmed, and for me they're tools just as much as their pretty. Making the decision to cut them short(er) for class was not taken lightly, but I did it. If I ever become a midwife, they'd have to go even shorter.
I don't trim them down to the quick - they're just short enough so I don't gouge my palms when making a tight fist. You'll have to find the right length that works for you.
Layers
For Karate we wear a gi. It's a cotton canvas uniform that can be tugged and pulled on without easily ripping. It also provides minimal protection when striking or being struck on the arms and legs. It can get warm to wear and unfortunately you need to wear clothes under it for modesty purposes.
Guys can get away with being shirtless (though most wear a muscle shirt or a tee-shirt under their gi). Ladies not only have to wear a top, but most have to wear a bra as well (my bust is small enough so it's not an issue for me) <- don't hate me
I'd highly recommend a comfy sports bra. Obviously don't wear your every-day bra as you're going to sweat in it plus it might have an underwire (bad idea).
The nice thing though is wearing a bra can be handy for finding your hand positions!
When performing a punching technique, you have the hand doing the punch (obviously), but what does the other hand do?
Just hanging loose at your side isn't going to do you any good.
Your other hand goes up into what's called "home" or "chambered" position. The hand is closed in a fist with the palm facing up, held tightly to your torso, ready to punch next. This position just happens to be right at the bra-line.
Like I said: handy
Another downside to the uniforms is they're typically white.
In our system, students wear all white until they reach brown belt - then they can wear different colored pants (black is the typical color of choice, but you can wear pink camo if that's your thing). Black belts can wear any color gi they like.
That bad thing about white is that it's not a terribly opaque color.
As some ladies like to wear pretty underwear (especially teens and young girls), you can easily reveal to the whole class your color/pattern pick of the day.
The solution: I wore white athletic shorts under my gi when I was still wearing all white. It provided extra modesty coverage so I didn't have to plan my choice of undergarments too carefully.
Now that I wear black pants, it's no longer an issue. Win!
White of course poses other potential problems for women, which brings me to my next point:
That time of the month
Yes, I'm totally going there because it's a real and legitimate issue.
There's some girls (especially the younger teenagers) who won't even come to class when they're on their period. I'm bummed about this but I get it.
You've got the cramps, the bloating, the fatigue, the fuzzy brain and the off chance of leaking red fluid all over your clothes if you move wrong (so that white gi becomes a terrifying hazard).
If you don't wear tampons or a cup, things can get trickier.
Try a nighttime pad right before heading out to class. Make sure you're good and clean too.
If you're a heavy bleeder take it easy, but I still hope you make it to class.
The exercise will ease the cramps (trust me it will!).
The exercise will also help with the fatigue. It might take a little longer than usual to get into the swing of things, but it really will help.
Bruises
Though no one deliberately tries to hurt anyone else in a martial arts class, given the nature of the activity, you will acquire a bruise here and there. Fortunately it's not so much of an issue in the beginning. I don't recall getting them too frequently till I was a brown belt, so this is one you can ease into gently.
Some styles are a little rougher than others. Because Karate makes use of hard blocks (exerting perpendicular force to stop/deflect a strike or kick), the typical bruise locations are the forearms, knees and shins.
The nice thing is as you learn to put more and more power behind your techniques, you also learn how to control that power. I'm happy to report that I've been popped in the face several times while sparring, but have not yet gotten a black eye or a fat lip. In fact sparring injuries are rare - at least in the school I attend because we usually pair up high ranking students (who know how to block and throw a punch without killing someone) with lower ranked ones (who are learning all that).
If you bruise easily you may end up with bruises on your wrists and redness around the neck from some of the escapes we do. Always let your instructor and training partner know such things so they can compensate accordingly.
I heard a story of a woman who worked her way up through the ranks and got really close to black belt, but her husband asked her to stop because he didn't like that she was always covered in bruises. Sadly, she dropped out.
Personally, I wear my bruises with pride. They're a sign of a good class. They're a sign that I'm tough, that I can take a hit, that I'm becoming physically stronger every day.
I love my bruises!
Other thoughts
Though I don't have the hugest amount of experience in the martial arts, there's a couple differences I've so far noticed between how men and women handle things in class:
1) An injury is far more likely to permanently sideline a woman than a man.
Maybe because guys have been told from a young age to "Suck it up!" "Shake it off!" "Don't be a pussy!"
While women are taught that they're delicate and in need of protecting and saving.
One woman who was coming to class with her husband and children dropped out because she had tweaked her elbow at one point (I don't think it was a class-related injury) and she chose not to return even after the elbow healed.
On the other hand, a young man in class shattered his wrist at work, had surgery on it and will continue healing for a good long time. Though he's careful, he returned to class as soon as his doctors cleared him.
It's just how things go I guess.
However...
2) Women tend to be more willing and able to admit when they're hurt and that they need to stop.
I badly jammed my toes one day while sparring. Nothing was broken but it hurt like the dickens.
I bowed off the mat in the middle of the round - I had no desire to stick it out till the round was over. I hobbled over to my gear bag, grabbed the little ACE bandage I keep there for such occasions and wrapped my foot.
All of this took no more than a few minutes and I was soon back to sparring again; but I took the time to care for myself before continuing. I think that's something a female would be far more inclined to do than a male.
3) The lack of a strong female presence in the martial arts can be daunting.
I'm often the only adult female in class and girls rarely stick with it far into their teen years.
If they do stay all the way through high school, they often leave for college (as the boys do too), but unlike the boys they rarely return afterwards.
The demands of work, marriage and parenthood seem to keep adult women away more than men. The prevailing notion that martial arts is more a "guy thing" seems to work against female participation even though in some ways women have a greater advantage. Their lower center of gravity and natural quickness and agility often make them formidable martial artists.
I can tell from personal experience though that just knowing other women martial artists are out there is so empowering and encouraging. Finding The Martial Arts Woman blog has been a wonderful morale boost for me.
And my final thoughts on and for female martial artists:
It will change you.
Your body will tone up. Your flexibility will increase. Your stamina and endurance will improve.
Those are all great, but you can get that from yoga or a spinning class at your local Y.
It will change your mindset too.
You will become more confident, more empowered, more self-assured.
Oddly enough this change can be frightening.
I do believe it was one of the many plethora of things that drove me away from Karate the first time. There's an inner self-confidence and responsibility you need to accept to advance in the martial arts. That shift may be too subtle to notice for some, but when one has a meek and submissive temperament as I do, it can be a difficult challenge to incorporate.
I'm endlessly glad I did.
Then I left Karate (and all other martial arts) for nearly three years (for various, varied reasons). I later returned in March of last year and have been at it ever since.
So though it sounds like I've been studying a while, my practice and training has been varied with a very long break in there. Still, I feel I've gathered some insights that might be helpful for other ladies out there interested in (but maybe a little nervous) about taking up a martial art. Hopefully these tips and pointers and "OMG, I never thought of that!" insights will give you a clearer picture of what you're getting into.
First, let's tackle the practical stuff:
Hair, nails and jewelry
Though I will admit I've seen guys in class with longer hair than mine and males can wear jewelry just as much (if not more) than some females I've encountered, it's typically the ladies who have to deal with these three things and any or all of the three can be sticking points for some.
First, your hair: if it's long enough to be pulled back, pull it back.
I just do a low ponytail because a higher one tends to swing more and I don't like that. Braids can unintentionally become flails and - though potentially humorous - you could hurt someone.
I've never tried wearing my hair in a bun, but I'm assuming it'd work just fine unless you're working on headlock self defenses.
Learn to be okay with your hair getting touched and/or messed up. Some of the escapes we learn are up close and personal. Your hair will get mangled. If this is a problem for you, you'll have to work on it if you want to get far in the martial arts.
You'll also want to skip on the makeup when coming to class.
I assure you no one will judge your lack of lip gloss or mascara.
The dojo isn't the place to look your best. Be prepared to look your worst actually. It'll be worth it.
Jewelry: take it off.
All of it. Earrings, necklaces, watches, bracelets, toe-rings, any and all piercings, etc.
I even take off my wedding ring. Happily that is really the only thing that won't be pushed on you to remove before class, but mine is solid silver and solid gold. It's heavy. It could hurt someone or even me if I don't do a technique correctly. It comes off every class.
Nails: I fought this one for a long time.
I've worn my fingernails long for most of my life. I keep them clean and well-trimmed, and for me they're tools just as much as their pretty. Making the decision to cut them short(er) for class was not taken lightly, but I did it. If I ever become a midwife, they'd have to go even shorter.
I don't trim them down to the quick - they're just short enough so I don't gouge my palms when making a tight fist. You'll have to find the right length that works for you.
Layers
For Karate we wear a gi. It's a cotton canvas uniform that can be tugged and pulled on without easily ripping. It also provides minimal protection when striking or being struck on the arms and legs. It can get warm to wear and unfortunately you need to wear clothes under it for modesty purposes.
Guys can get away with being shirtless (though most wear a muscle shirt or a tee-shirt under their gi). Ladies not only have to wear a top, but most have to wear a bra as well (my bust is small enough so it's not an issue for me) <- don't hate me
I'd highly recommend a comfy sports bra. Obviously don't wear your every-day bra as you're going to sweat in it plus it might have an underwire (bad idea).
The nice thing though is wearing a bra can be handy for finding your hand positions!
When performing a punching technique, you have the hand doing the punch (obviously), but what does the other hand do?
Just hanging loose at your side isn't going to do you any good.
Your other hand goes up into what's called "home" or "chambered" position. The hand is closed in a fist with the palm facing up, held tightly to your torso, ready to punch next. This position just happens to be right at the bra-line.
Like I said: handy
Another downside to the uniforms is they're typically white.
In our system, students wear all white until they reach brown belt - then they can wear different colored pants (black is the typical color of choice, but you can wear pink camo if that's your thing). Black belts can wear any color gi they like.
That bad thing about white is that it's not a terribly opaque color.
As some ladies like to wear pretty underwear (especially teens and young girls), you can easily reveal to the whole class your color/pattern pick of the day.
The solution: I wore white athletic shorts under my gi when I was still wearing all white. It provided extra modesty coverage so I didn't have to plan my choice of undergarments too carefully.
Now that I wear black pants, it's no longer an issue. Win!
White of course poses other potential problems for women, which brings me to my next point:
That time of the month
Yes, I'm totally going there because it's a real and legitimate issue.
There's some girls (especially the younger teenagers) who won't even come to class when they're on their period. I'm bummed about this but I get it.
You've got the cramps, the bloating, the fatigue, the fuzzy brain and the off chance of leaking red fluid all over your clothes if you move wrong (so that white gi becomes a terrifying hazard).
If you don't wear tampons or a cup, things can get trickier.
Try a nighttime pad right before heading out to class. Make sure you're good and clean too.
If you're a heavy bleeder take it easy, but I still hope you make it to class.
The exercise will ease the cramps (trust me it will!).
The exercise will also help with the fatigue. It might take a little longer than usual to get into the swing of things, but it really will help.
Bruises
Though no one deliberately tries to hurt anyone else in a martial arts class, given the nature of the activity, you will acquire a bruise here and there. Fortunately it's not so much of an issue in the beginning. I don't recall getting them too frequently till I was a brown belt, so this is one you can ease into gently.
Some styles are a little rougher than others. Because Karate makes use of hard blocks (exerting perpendicular force to stop/deflect a strike or kick), the typical bruise locations are the forearms, knees and shins.
The nice thing is as you learn to put more and more power behind your techniques, you also learn how to control that power. I'm happy to report that I've been popped in the face several times while sparring, but have not yet gotten a black eye or a fat lip. In fact sparring injuries are rare - at least in the school I attend because we usually pair up high ranking students (who know how to block and throw a punch without killing someone) with lower ranked ones (who are learning all that).
If you bruise easily you may end up with bruises on your wrists and redness around the neck from some of the escapes we do. Always let your instructor and training partner know such things so they can compensate accordingly.
I heard a story of a woman who worked her way up through the ranks and got really close to black belt, but her husband asked her to stop because he didn't like that she was always covered in bruises. Sadly, she dropped out.
Personally, I wear my bruises with pride. They're a sign of a good class. They're a sign that I'm tough, that I can take a hit, that I'm becoming physically stronger every day.
I love my bruises!
Other thoughts
Though I don't have the hugest amount of experience in the martial arts, there's a couple differences I've so far noticed between how men and women handle things in class:
1) An injury is far more likely to permanently sideline a woman than a man.
Maybe because guys have been told from a young age to "Suck it up!" "Shake it off!" "Don't be a pussy!"
While women are taught that they're delicate and in need of protecting and saving.
One woman who was coming to class with her husband and children dropped out because she had tweaked her elbow at one point (I don't think it was a class-related injury) and she chose not to return even after the elbow healed.
On the other hand, a young man in class shattered his wrist at work, had surgery on it and will continue healing for a good long time. Though he's careful, he returned to class as soon as his doctors cleared him.
It's just how things go I guess.
However...
2) Women tend to be more willing and able to admit when they're hurt and that they need to stop.
I badly jammed my toes one day while sparring. Nothing was broken but it hurt like the dickens.
I bowed off the mat in the middle of the round - I had no desire to stick it out till the round was over. I hobbled over to my gear bag, grabbed the little ACE bandage I keep there for such occasions and wrapped my foot.
All of this took no more than a few minutes and I was soon back to sparring again; but I took the time to care for myself before continuing. I think that's something a female would be far more inclined to do than a male.
3) The lack of a strong female presence in the martial arts can be daunting.
I'm often the only adult female in class and girls rarely stick with it far into their teen years.
If they do stay all the way through high school, they often leave for college (as the boys do too), but unlike the boys they rarely return afterwards.
The demands of work, marriage and parenthood seem to keep adult women away more than men. The prevailing notion that martial arts is more a "guy thing" seems to work against female participation even though in some ways women have a greater advantage. Their lower center of gravity and natural quickness and agility often make them formidable martial artists.
I can tell from personal experience though that just knowing other women martial artists are out there is so empowering and encouraging. Finding The Martial Arts Woman blog has been a wonderful morale boost for me.
And my final thoughts on and for female martial artists:
It will change you.
Your body will tone up. Your flexibility will increase. Your stamina and endurance will improve.
Those are all great, but you can get that from yoga or a spinning class at your local Y.
It will change your mindset too.
You will become more confident, more empowered, more self-assured.
Oddly enough this change can be frightening.
I do believe it was one of the many plethora of things that drove me away from Karate the first time. There's an inner self-confidence and responsibility you need to accept to advance in the martial arts. That shift may be too subtle to notice for some, but when one has a meek and submissive temperament as I do, it can be a difficult challenge to incorporate.
I'm endlessly glad I did.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Face-to-Face with Rape Culture
I was down in New York City this weekend with a small groups of friends. Since I have family in the City, I've been there several times; for one of the girls attending though, this was her first trip. I'm happy to report we all had a blast overall. There was glorious shopping, good food and a general enjoyment of the architecture and mass trasit of New York.
One incident however did cast a shadow over our merry little adventure. It happened in the subway after we'd swiped through the turnstiles to get to the train platform. A girl on the other side was accosted by a rather inebriated stranger who was making leering comments at her and standing way too close for anyone's comfort.
Since there was no one else in the vestibule apart from them and us, we lingered; not really sure what to do or say. She was clearly uncomfortable by his advances, but she stoically ignored him while she fumbled frantically for her Metro Card. After what felt like forever, she finally found her card and swiped through.
We quickly clustered protectively around her as we all walked to the platform and asked if she was okay. She was clearly shaken by the incident, but she mumbled "Yes," and quietly tied her jacket around her waist to cover the tight, short skirt she was wearing which had (presumably) "provoked" the whole incident. (Fortunately the drunk dude didn't follow her through the turnstile and he had never touched her.)
As we moved on and got on our train I remember feeling anger towards the girl for bringing it onto herself. She was clearly a tourist like ourselves but being young and pretty as she was, surely she should have known better than to dress so provocatively to a place like NYC!
These feelings were later followed by being appalled at my own thoughts.
"My God! I'm part of the freaking problem!"
Blaming her for being harassed is exactly the reason why victims of sexual assault don't report incidents and why they end up being shamed by the very same system that's supposed to protect them. (I'm being gender neutral on this point as I know men can equally be harassed and that's a whole other post.)
I honestly don't know what we could have done different in the situation. Certainly if he had touched her, all of us would have jumped back over the turnstile to her defense; but verbal abuse is more nebulous and harder to deal with. Had we spoken up, asking him to leave her alone, it would have drawn his attention on us. Maybe that would have been better - giving her a chance to escape; but we didn't know he wasn't going to just come on through the turnstile at us either or get violent. We also didn't know it'd take her so long to get her pass. In all honesty the whole thing didn't last more than 90 seconds, but it was plenty long enough.
It was an utterly miserable situation, certainly more so for her than us.
I suppose I should cap this with some flowery advice on how we can all change the world for the better. Frankly I've got nothing here except to say that as bad as that situation was, things are getting better.
Think about it: we were three young, fairly attractive females traveling without a male escort. That would have been absurdly unsafe in the past.
Think about the workplace: male bosses no longer ask female employees to get them coffee without a second thought. That's changed since just my mother's generation (I know because it happened to her).
Women can get loans and own property by themselves without raising eyebrows (also something that's changed within just the past 50 or so years).
Men can raise children as a single parent without people looking on with pity at the poor, motherless kids.
Martial rape is now a crime (though it took till 1993 for that to be the case in all 50 states).
Things have improved, are continuing to improve, but there's still the wage gap. There's still a glass ceiling in some fields. Women are still casually harassed on the street.
The answer isn't to change how women dress or if we should or shouldn't make eye contact with strangers. The answer is knowledge, spreading the word as to what is and isn't correct and appropriate behavior; teaching men not to rape instead of instructing females how to not get raped.
Every day, every year the idea that a woman must be "owned" or "controlled" wanes and becomes more quaint. Incidents like what we witnessed this weekend will become more the exception rather than the rule. With how quickly things are changing I'm certain this will happen within my lifetime and it warms my heart to think my nieces will be able to wander the streets of a major city, wide-eyed and innocent and never once have to think, "Will that man over there harm me?"
One incident however did cast a shadow over our merry little adventure. It happened in the subway after we'd swiped through the turnstiles to get to the train platform. A girl on the other side was accosted by a rather inebriated stranger who was making leering comments at her and standing way too close for anyone's comfort.
Since there was no one else in the vestibule apart from them and us, we lingered; not really sure what to do or say. She was clearly uncomfortable by his advances, but she stoically ignored him while she fumbled frantically for her Metro Card. After what felt like forever, she finally found her card and swiped through.
We quickly clustered protectively around her as we all walked to the platform and asked if she was okay. She was clearly shaken by the incident, but she mumbled "Yes," and quietly tied her jacket around her waist to cover the tight, short skirt she was wearing which had (presumably) "provoked" the whole incident. (Fortunately the drunk dude didn't follow her through the turnstile and he had never touched her.)
As we moved on and got on our train I remember feeling anger towards the girl for bringing it onto herself. She was clearly a tourist like ourselves but being young and pretty as she was, surely she should have known better than to dress so provocatively to a place like NYC!
These feelings were later followed by being appalled at my own thoughts.
"My God! I'm part of the freaking problem!"
Blaming her for being harassed is exactly the reason why victims of sexual assault don't report incidents and why they end up being shamed by the very same system that's supposed to protect them. (I'm being gender neutral on this point as I know men can equally be harassed and that's a whole other post.)
I honestly don't know what we could have done different in the situation. Certainly if he had touched her, all of us would have jumped back over the turnstile to her defense; but verbal abuse is more nebulous and harder to deal with. Had we spoken up, asking him to leave her alone, it would have drawn his attention on us. Maybe that would have been better - giving her a chance to escape; but we didn't know he wasn't going to just come on through the turnstile at us either or get violent. We also didn't know it'd take her so long to get her pass. In all honesty the whole thing didn't last more than 90 seconds, but it was plenty long enough.
It was an utterly miserable situation, certainly more so for her than us.
I suppose I should cap this with some flowery advice on how we can all change the world for the better. Frankly I've got nothing here except to say that as bad as that situation was, things are getting better.
Think about it: we were three young, fairly attractive females traveling without a male escort. That would have been absurdly unsafe in the past.
Think about the workplace: male bosses no longer ask female employees to get them coffee without a second thought. That's changed since just my mother's generation (I know because it happened to her).
Women can get loans and own property by themselves without raising eyebrows (also something that's changed within just the past 50 or so years).
Men can raise children as a single parent without people looking on with pity at the poor, motherless kids.
Martial rape is now a crime (though it took till 1993 for that to be the case in all 50 states).
Things have improved, are continuing to improve, but there's still the wage gap. There's still a glass ceiling in some fields. Women are still casually harassed on the street.
The answer isn't to change how women dress or if we should or shouldn't make eye contact with strangers. The answer is knowledge, spreading the word as to what is and isn't correct and appropriate behavior; teaching men not to rape instead of instructing females how to not get raped.
Every day, every year the idea that a woman must be "owned" or "controlled" wanes and becomes more quaint. Incidents like what we witnessed this weekend will become more the exception rather than the rule. With how quickly things are changing I'm certain this will happen within my lifetime and it warms my heart to think my nieces will be able to wander the streets of a major city, wide-eyed and innocent and never once have to think, "Will that man over there harm me?"
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Hurry Up and Wait (Karate-related)
Almost ever since I got my 3rd Degree Brown Belt (3rd Kyu) last May I've been gunning for getting my 2nd Kyu this May. I've been working really hard all school year and have grown by leaps and bounds. I've had minor epiphanies where things have finally clicked into place and several "Ah-ha!" moments. It's been great!
However I feel it's taken 5/8 of the school year to get up to the skill level I should be at for my current rank. Logically that's only allowed for 3/8 of the year to continue to move forward into the skill level required for the next rank.
It means that if I tested next month (and there was never a huge amount of resistance from the instructors save one), I feel I'd pass...but just barely. And since I don't want to squeak by on tests anymore, it means I'm not ready to test yet.
Since formal classes end when the school year does, my next opportunity to test again won't be until October.
For some people that six month gap would be demoralizing after working so hard for a specific goal. For me though it's a huge relief. It means I have six more months to tighten up my self-defenses (some of which I've only done in class once or twice), improve my kicks (maybe even finally manage to pull off a serviceable flying side kick), and discover even more subtle nuances in our hand-to-hand defenses (which we call "one steps").
I'll have more time to develop and perfect the hand and foot combos I need to come up with for my test (which I actually haven't even been able to put any time into yet).
My katas - which are by far my strongest section - will only get better.
Though I feel far more confident about being test-worthy by October than I ever did for May, a lot can happen between now and then (namely involving my father-in-law). Still I plan on continuing to work hard, throwing as much time and effort into this as I can.
As I've said before, the reasons why I push myself so hard are a little nebulous, even to me. What I do know though is Karate is a very fun activity for me. I enjoy pushing the physical limits of my body. I acknowledge that Karate probably isn't the ideal martial art for me personally (my temperament and build are better suited for a Chinese style like Tai Chi or Wing Chun Kung Fu); yet I love it, probably because I have to work hard at it.
So here's to hoping for a productive summer and a solid test just in time for my birthday!
However I feel it's taken 5/8 of the school year to get up to the skill level I should be at for my current rank. Logically that's only allowed for 3/8 of the year to continue to move forward into the skill level required for the next rank.
It means that if I tested next month (and there was never a huge amount of resistance from the instructors save one), I feel I'd pass...but just barely. And since I don't want to squeak by on tests anymore, it means I'm not ready to test yet.
Since formal classes end when the school year does, my next opportunity to test again won't be until October.
For some people that six month gap would be demoralizing after working so hard for a specific goal. For me though it's a huge relief. It means I have six more months to tighten up my self-defenses (some of which I've only done in class once or twice), improve my kicks (maybe even finally manage to pull off a serviceable flying side kick), and discover even more subtle nuances in our hand-to-hand defenses (which we call "one steps").
I'll have more time to develop and perfect the hand and foot combos I need to come up with for my test (which I actually haven't even been able to put any time into yet).
My katas - which are by far my strongest section - will only get better.
Though I feel far more confident about being test-worthy by October than I ever did for May, a lot can happen between now and then (namely involving my father-in-law). Still I plan on continuing to work hard, throwing as much time and effort into this as I can.
As I've said before, the reasons why I push myself so hard are a little nebulous, even to me. What I do know though is Karate is a very fun activity for me. I enjoy pushing the physical limits of my body. I acknowledge that Karate probably isn't the ideal martial art for me personally (my temperament and build are better suited for a Chinese style like Tai Chi or Wing Chun Kung Fu); yet I love it, probably because I have to work hard at it.
So here's to hoping for a productive summer and a solid test just in time for my birthday!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Death Doula
It's often said that those who work in the birthing field usually wander over to end-of-life care and/or hospice work at some point.
I found that rather odd at first until I stepped into that role myself.
My work as an in-home caregiver to an elderly quadriplegic gentleman opened my eyes to the fact that the dying need just as much compassionate care and support as women in labor do. Both are dealing with incredibly powerful transitions that can make one feel terribly and desperately alone. Just having another person present at such a time who isn't directly involved in the situation can help immensely, even if all they're doing is sitting there offering the laboring woman or the dying person their undivided attention.
This is the role I've been taking lately with my ailing father-in-law (Dick).
Dick has been dealing with prostate cancer for a few years now and it's finally looking like the end is near. He's maintained his independence and mobility right up to about a month ago.
From that point on I've taken a much more active role in his care, from helping him get into and out of bed, to assisting him with his medical care and hygiene, to things as simple as offering various foods that may entice his waning appetite.
I'm not a trained nurse, but with the caregiver background I've been able to handle his care with far more knowledge than the average person; allowing him to stay at home far longer than normal circumstances would have permitted. It's also enabled me to remain calm through the minor emergencies that had cropped up while he was home; this I feel has been incredibly important to his overall well being.
Just an honest smile; undivided attention and lack of pity, fear or disgust goes a long way.
He needed to transfer to the hospital two weeks ago and he moved up to the hospice ward late last week. Since his move out of the house, I've made it a point to visit every few days, bringing him his mail, chatting with him and reading books of a spiritual nature aloud to him.
It's not my job to make medical decisions for him or try to persuade or dissuade any choices on his part. My role has been purely emotional support, to be an anchor of calm normalcy in a tumultuous sea of unknown.
It's been an absolute honor to perform this function for him; to assure him he's not going to die alone. To me, this is the greatest gift I can give him.
I've had the opportunity of being a birth doula four times and each experience has been wonderful! Universe willing, I hope to attend more births in the future. However I'm finding that being a "death doula" can be just as empowering and satisfying as well.
I found that rather odd at first until I stepped into that role myself.
My work as an in-home caregiver to an elderly quadriplegic gentleman opened my eyes to the fact that the dying need just as much compassionate care and support as women in labor do. Both are dealing with incredibly powerful transitions that can make one feel terribly and desperately alone. Just having another person present at such a time who isn't directly involved in the situation can help immensely, even if all they're doing is sitting there offering the laboring woman or the dying person their undivided attention.
This is the role I've been taking lately with my ailing father-in-law (Dick).
Dick has been dealing with prostate cancer for a few years now and it's finally looking like the end is near. He's maintained his independence and mobility right up to about a month ago.
From that point on I've taken a much more active role in his care, from helping him get into and out of bed, to assisting him with his medical care and hygiene, to things as simple as offering various foods that may entice his waning appetite.
I'm not a trained nurse, but with the caregiver background I've been able to handle his care with far more knowledge than the average person; allowing him to stay at home far longer than normal circumstances would have permitted. It's also enabled me to remain calm through the minor emergencies that had cropped up while he was home; this I feel has been incredibly important to his overall well being.
Just an honest smile; undivided attention and lack of pity, fear or disgust goes a long way.
He needed to transfer to the hospital two weeks ago and he moved up to the hospice ward late last week. Since his move out of the house, I've made it a point to visit every few days, bringing him his mail, chatting with him and reading books of a spiritual nature aloud to him.
It's not my job to make medical decisions for him or try to persuade or dissuade any choices on his part. My role has been purely emotional support, to be an anchor of calm normalcy in a tumultuous sea of unknown.
It's been an absolute honor to perform this function for him; to assure him he's not going to die alone. To me, this is the greatest gift I can give him.
I've had the opportunity of being a birth doula four times and each experience has been wonderful! Universe willing, I hope to attend more births in the future. However I'm finding that being a "death doula" can be just as empowering and satisfying as well.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
By the Scruff of the Neck (Part 4)
Here's the last installment of a weekly series I've done this month going into how I've applied three simple principles to stressful situations to make them less aggravating/scary/earth-shattering and more empowering/educational/eye-opening.
Here's Parts 1, 2 & 3
And here's the final (and least insane) story from my life:
Event: Minor Car Accident
Age at the time: 35
This one happened at the beginning of this month. I was driving home with my husband, Rick from a weekend visiting family. It had been snowing all day and we'd gotten a late start. The roads were terrible.
Though I'd been taking it slow and driving carefully (following the guidelines I laid out in this post), I came up to a person who was straddling both lanes and driving painfully slow. After being stuck behind him for a few miles, I got sick of the pace he was setting. I waited for him to wander slightly farther to the right and then, throwing caution to the wind, sped up to pass him.
Of course I hit the slush, started fishtailing, couldn't pull out of it, started spinning and ended up in a snowbank facing the opposite direction. The car was thoroughly stuck and tipped at an angle so the gas gauge immediately sunk down to empty. I quickly shut the car off while Rick got on his phone to call AAA for a tow.
1) Don't play the victim
It would have been so satisfying to blame the driver who chose to drive smack in the middle of the road, but no one had forced me to try passing him. I could have tried going around him a little slower too, but I wasn't sure if he'd drift back to the left - I had just wanted to get away from him.
It didn't matter the reasons, I was the one stuck in the snow bank. I was the one who needed to deal with that.
2) Keep calm and vigilant
Oddly enough neither Rick nor I freaked out. We were both safe. None of the airbags had gone off; and we had somehow managed to not hit another vehicle while careening in circles on the highway. Other than the initial worry there was a puncture in the gas tank, the car appeared relatively unscathed.
3) Do what you can and then let go
A state police cruiser arrived within minutes - Rick was just finishing up with AAA. After assessing the situation, the officers asked if we wanted to wait in their car. In hindsight it seems strange that we declined, but we assumed the tow truck would be there in a jiffy.
An hour later, we were pretty chilly and were thrilled when the tow truck finally arrived to pull the car out. We did wait in the cruiser for that part.
The tow operator was a surgeon with his pulley and had the car out of the snowbank in no time at all. We all gave the car a quick look-over. Now that the car was righted, the gas gauge returned to it's normal reading - no signs of a leak. A headlight had blown from impact, but the casing wasn't even cracked. A couple undercarriage covers had been knocked loose, but there was nothing to indicate the car wouldn't be able to get us home under its own power.
Just to be sure, the tow truck driver asked us to follow him up to a gas station at the next exit. This seemed like a good plan, so we thanked the police officers, knocked as much snow out of the wheel wells as we could, and followed the tow truck to that gas station.
There was a wobble in the tires, which I couldn't figure out if it was a balance issue or just lingering snow we hadn't cleared out, but other than that the car handled great.
We gave our report to the tow driver and had an uneventful remainder of the trip home.
Resolution:
I actually had an appointment to get an oil change and the horn fixed on my car that Wednesday, so I simply tacked a few more things onto that visit.
Turned out that wobble was just snow - which melted in the garage.
The mechanic changed out the blow headlight bulb, reattached the undercarriage covers, changed the oil, and fixed the horn. The car even passed inspection!
Not exactly a "fun" experience, but it could have been a lot worse that's for sure!
Here's Parts 1, 2 & 3
And here's the final (and least insane) story from my life:
Event: Minor Car Accident
Age at the time: 35
This one happened at the beginning of this month. I was driving home with my husband, Rick from a weekend visiting family. It had been snowing all day and we'd gotten a late start. The roads were terrible.
Though I'd been taking it slow and driving carefully (following the guidelines I laid out in this post), I came up to a person who was straddling both lanes and driving painfully slow. After being stuck behind him for a few miles, I got sick of the pace he was setting. I waited for him to wander slightly farther to the right and then, throwing caution to the wind, sped up to pass him.
Of course I hit the slush, started fishtailing, couldn't pull out of it, started spinning and ended up in a snowbank facing the opposite direction. The car was thoroughly stuck and tipped at an angle so the gas gauge immediately sunk down to empty. I quickly shut the car off while Rick got on his phone to call AAA for a tow.
1) Don't play the victim
It would have been so satisfying to blame the driver who chose to drive smack in the middle of the road, but no one had forced me to try passing him. I could have tried going around him a little slower too, but I wasn't sure if he'd drift back to the left - I had just wanted to get away from him.
It didn't matter the reasons, I was the one stuck in the snow bank. I was the one who needed to deal with that.
2) Keep calm and vigilant
Oddly enough neither Rick nor I freaked out. We were both safe. None of the airbags had gone off; and we had somehow managed to not hit another vehicle while careening in circles on the highway. Other than the initial worry there was a puncture in the gas tank, the car appeared relatively unscathed.
3) Do what you can and then let go
A state police cruiser arrived within minutes - Rick was just finishing up with AAA. After assessing the situation, the officers asked if we wanted to wait in their car. In hindsight it seems strange that we declined, but we assumed the tow truck would be there in a jiffy.
An hour later, we were pretty chilly and were thrilled when the tow truck finally arrived to pull the car out. We did wait in the cruiser for that part.
The tow operator was a surgeon with his pulley and had the car out of the snowbank in no time at all. We all gave the car a quick look-over. Now that the car was righted, the gas gauge returned to it's normal reading - no signs of a leak. A headlight had blown from impact, but the casing wasn't even cracked. A couple undercarriage covers had been knocked loose, but there was nothing to indicate the car wouldn't be able to get us home under its own power.
Just to be sure, the tow truck driver asked us to follow him up to a gas station at the next exit. This seemed like a good plan, so we thanked the police officers, knocked as much snow out of the wheel wells as we could, and followed the tow truck to that gas station.
There was a wobble in the tires, which I couldn't figure out if it was a balance issue or just lingering snow we hadn't cleared out, but other than that the car handled great.
We gave our report to the tow driver and had an uneventful remainder of the trip home.
Resolution:
I actually had an appointment to get an oil change and the horn fixed on my car that Wednesday, so I simply tacked a few more things onto that visit.
Turned out that wobble was just snow - which melted in the garage.
The mechanic changed out the blow headlight bulb, reattached the undercarriage covers, changed the oil, and fixed the horn. The car even passed inspection!
Not exactly a "fun" experience, but it could have been a lot worse that's for sure!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
By the Scruff of the Neck (Part 3)
The third installments of this month's series of how applying three simple principles can help one overcome trying situations isn't nearly as earth-shattering as the two previous posts, but it was stressful none-the-less.
Event: Finding a new wedding venue six months before the wedding
Age at the Time: 34
In one's day-to-day life six months is often some impossibly future date that rarely needs much consideration. In the wedding world though, six months is practically tomorrow and needing to change one's venue "that close" to go-time can pose many challenges.
Rick (my now-husband) and I had wanted to get married at an Ashram that his father had helped found 50 years prior. It simply made sense since we were planning a Hindu-style ceremony. There would have been a lot of restrictions imposed (very limited alcohol, limited occupancy of the space, etc.) but we were willing to work with all that.
As planning progressed though, the relationship with the planning board grew increasingly cold and rigid. They were becoming inexplicably less willing to work with us, imposing more fees, never quite getting a written contract together, demanding numbers of guests who'd be staying the night on-site (even though formal invitations weren't being sent out for another few months) and over-all growing less and less welcoming of the idea of hosting our wedding on their grounds even though there's a wedding there at least once or twice a year.
After a very frustrating meeting with the coordinator they had assigned to us (whom we'd never met before or since despite her assurances that she was well acquainted with the planning board, many of whom we know personally), we finally cut ties and chose to look for another place to hold our wedding.
1) Don't play the victim
No hard feelings, we still love the Ashram and still visit as frequently as we're able.
Would I have preferred they just tell us straight up from the beginning that they didn't want to host our wedding? Yes. We would have thanked them and moved on, saving us a fair amount of headache of finding a new place and informing all our guests that they'd be traveling elsewhere for the big day.
(In case you're curious, the issue apparently came down to money. They weren't comfortable charging us the amount they would have needed to compensate for not being able to rent the space for some other more profitable event)
2) Keep calm and vigilant
Where was this fabled "elsewhere" going to be though?
The possibilities were overwhelming even within our limited price range and criteria of:
~Preferred outdoor ceremony
~Reception on-site
~Electricity and means of cooking food
~Parking and restrooms to accommodate our 100+ guestlist
Obviously it needed to be in easy driving distance for Rick & I.
Bonus if it was easy driving distance for the rest of our guests and close to an airport or two.
The biggest stipulation I put on finding a new location was that I didn't want to change the date of October 4th. We had already sent out the save-the-date cards and I didn't want to confuse people by giving them a new location and day to show up. I liked our date, and I wanted a fall wedding without getting too close to Halloween.
I decided I'd use the date to help narrow down our options.
3) Do what you can and then let go
There were a lot of late nights on the phone with my planner friend, surfing the web, looking at state parks, Elks Lodges, historical sites and the like.
Nothing really felt right though.
Driving to work one morning I was suddenly struck by the idea that we could do the wedding at Howe Caverns. It'd be perfect: being a tourist location, they're well-equipped for large quantities of people. They're located right off a major highway that most of our guests were well-familiar with. They have on-site food service, lodging and they are used to hosting weddings.
I called them up and asked if our date was available.
It was!
The price also ended up being right within our budget.
We had a new wedding venue!
Resolution:
Though a little slow to start, Howe was wonderful to work with.
Not only were they happy to work with us, they seemed eager to. I think having an unusual wedding ceremony in a "safe" place like Howe Caverns helped put our guests at ease as well. Many of the local folks had been to Howe in their childhood and had fond memories of the place.
Having it at the Ashram would have been an added level of "unknown" that likely would have made people uncomfortable and less able to have fun.
Our wedding was lovely, the food at the reception was great and everyone had a good time.
Event: Finding a new wedding venue six months before the wedding
Age at the Time: 34
In one's day-to-day life six months is often some impossibly future date that rarely needs much consideration. In the wedding world though, six months is practically tomorrow and needing to change one's venue "that close" to go-time can pose many challenges.
Rick (my now-husband) and I had wanted to get married at an Ashram that his father had helped found 50 years prior. It simply made sense since we were planning a Hindu-style ceremony. There would have been a lot of restrictions imposed (very limited alcohol, limited occupancy of the space, etc.) but we were willing to work with all that.
As planning progressed though, the relationship with the planning board grew increasingly cold and rigid. They were becoming inexplicably less willing to work with us, imposing more fees, never quite getting a written contract together, demanding numbers of guests who'd be staying the night on-site (even though formal invitations weren't being sent out for another few months) and over-all growing less and less welcoming of the idea of hosting our wedding on their grounds even though there's a wedding there at least once or twice a year.
After a very frustrating meeting with the coordinator they had assigned to us (whom we'd never met before or since despite her assurances that she was well acquainted with the planning board, many of whom we know personally), we finally cut ties and chose to look for another place to hold our wedding.
1) Don't play the victim
No hard feelings, we still love the Ashram and still visit as frequently as we're able.
Would I have preferred they just tell us straight up from the beginning that they didn't want to host our wedding? Yes. We would have thanked them and moved on, saving us a fair amount of headache of finding a new place and informing all our guests that they'd be traveling elsewhere for the big day.
(In case you're curious, the issue apparently came down to money. They weren't comfortable charging us the amount they would have needed to compensate for not being able to rent the space for some other more profitable event)
2) Keep calm and vigilant
Where was this fabled "elsewhere" going to be though?
The possibilities were overwhelming even within our limited price range and criteria of:
~Preferred outdoor ceremony
~Reception on-site
~Electricity and means of cooking food
~Parking and restrooms to accommodate our 100+ guestlist
Obviously it needed to be in easy driving distance for Rick & I.
Bonus if it was easy driving distance for the rest of our guests and close to an airport or two.
The biggest stipulation I put on finding a new location was that I didn't want to change the date of October 4th. We had already sent out the save-the-date cards and I didn't want to confuse people by giving them a new location and day to show up. I liked our date, and I wanted a fall wedding without getting too close to Halloween.
I decided I'd use the date to help narrow down our options.
3) Do what you can and then let go
There were a lot of late nights on the phone with my planner friend, surfing the web, looking at state parks, Elks Lodges, historical sites and the like.
Nothing really felt right though.
Driving to work one morning I was suddenly struck by the idea that we could do the wedding at Howe Caverns. It'd be perfect: being a tourist location, they're well-equipped for large quantities of people. They're located right off a major highway that most of our guests were well-familiar with. They have on-site food service, lodging and they are used to hosting weddings.
I called them up and asked if our date was available.
It was!
The price also ended up being right within our budget.
We had a new wedding venue!
Resolution:
Though a little slow to start, Howe was wonderful to work with.
Not only were they happy to work with us, they seemed eager to. I think having an unusual wedding ceremony in a "safe" place like Howe Caverns helped put our guests at ease as well. Many of the local folks had been to Howe in their childhood and had fond memories of the place.
Having it at the Ashram would have been an added level of "unknown" that likely would have made people uncomfortable and less able to have fun.
Our wedding was lovely, the food at the reception was great and everyone had a good time.
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