Tuesday, August 19, 2014

My Stomach and Me (Humor)

Though I've never been formally diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I've just come to assume that's what I have. My IBS has gotten significantly better in recent years (I used to be plagued with near daily symptoms that were affecting my desire to eat anything at all).  About ten years ago I had to go on a highly restrictive diet for about a year.  That year of detox got me back to where I can pretty much eat whatever I want whenever I like; the only limitation now is eating after 6:30, 7:00pm.

I warn all friends and family that I can't eat after that time of day.  Happily I have plenty of self-control, so I'm rarely tempted to have "just one slice of pizza", or a "small bowl of ice cream".  I know that such indiscretions will send my digestive system into terrible spasms of nauseous and diarrhea, making my whole body shake and sweat, and my breathing sound like I've been running sprints for the past hour.

It's frustrating though because I tend to be up until 11:00 at night - that's a pretty long stretch of time to go without eating. With all that in mind, I'd like to present a sample conversation I have with my stomach on a frequent basis:

ME: Alright! Home from work.  What do you want for dinner?
STOMACH: Eh, whatever you want, I'm not terribly hungry.  That snack we had at 3:00 is still holding.
ME: Okay, I'll just scarf down a quick yogurt.  You let me know when you want something more substantial though.

ME: How about it? Want some spaghetti or some fried eggs or something?
STOMACH: Nah.  That yogurt was enough.  We're good.

ME: Tick-tock, tick-tock.  We're down to just being able to eat toast or oatmeal at this point.
STOMACH: Pfff! I've got my second wind baby!  We can go all night long!

STOMACH: Feed me.
ME: You're kidding right?  I asked you three times already and you said "no".
STOMACH: But I'm hungry now!
ME: Tough, you're going to have to deal with it.

ME: Nope, you had your chance.  You're just going to have to suffer, otherwise you'll make me suffer.

STOMACH: <sobbing> Why do you hate me?!?
ME: Because you don't know how to play well with others.  No food for you!
STOMACH: But I'm soooooo hungry!
ME: Yeah and how do you like the alternative? I want to sleep tonight! You're not getting anything until 7:00 tomorrow morning.
STOMACH: I'm going to die!
ME: No, that's what you would do if we ate anything right now.  You're going to have to suck it up and wait.
STOMACH: i hate u.

And this boys and girls, is why I can't gain weight.

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